What is Your Love Language? Part 1 of 5

Does your partner feel loved by you?  Do your children believe you love them?  How about you, do you feel loved?  If you are not speaking the same language with your partner, children, or others, then sincere feelings and true love can be easily missed!  That is because love and affection can be demonstrated in many different ways.  To some, words that affirm feelings and beliefs most strongly convey love. To others, physical symbols such as gifts speak loudest. 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 fundamental languages of love (Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch and Gifts).  We all have a primary love language--one that makes us feel loved more than any other. 

Following is Part One of the 5 love languages.  Which language speaks to your heart the most?  How about your partner, children, friends?  We often communicate our own primary love language to others and hope they will understand the love and affection we are trying to communicate.  For example, if my love language is words of affirmation and yours is quality time, you might not feel loved no matter what words I say to you if you do not feel I am spending enough time with you. 

Even if we are communicating our love and affection with all our heart,  and it is not in the language that our partner can understand, he or she may not feel loved.  If we will learn to speak one another's love language in the way that we can understand, we will experience the love we need from one another. 

Love Language 1:  ACTS OF SERVICE

This love language is about doing something that your partner would like you to do. 

Examples include: fixing the computer, washing dishes, ironing clothes, taking the dog for a walk, cooking, washing the car,  picking something up at the store

For information about Dr. Chapman's book: The 5 Love Languages, click here.

Well done is better than well said.  ~ Benjamin Franklin

Imperfect Action is better than no action. ~Giovanna Garcia

You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action.  - Anthony Robbins

    

International Best Seller: The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships provides essential tools to help you understand relationships and how to make them more fulfilling, harmonious and successful. You will be taken on a personal journey to discover how you communicate the 10 key attributes of love as you relate to others. You will be empowered with tools to replace unhealthy patterns with new, healthy and effective ways to communicate, connect and love others. And you will discover how to communicate and experience genuine love and true happiness in ways that will change you, your relationships and your life forever!

Click here to look inside the book.


New Day Counseling is a family couples counseling center that provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, adolescent counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call 248-649-8050 to register today. * Anger management classes and/or individual anger counseling can be extremely supportive and helpful in equipping us with many tools for a better life.

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7 Reasons Why Setting New Goals Enriches Your Life

One thing I absolutely love about a new year, or a new day for that matter, is that it gives us a fresh start to set new goals and implement new plans to pursue and achieve. I have recently set some new goals that have been keeping me very busy, motivated, and excited. One of my many goals began about several months ago. I decided to get in better physically shape by exercising more and cutting back on sugar.  I began a kettle bells program, stuck with it, and now I am finally seeing the results I wanted.

Fitness has been just one of my goals. I have set others as well and I am amazed at how focused and motivated they keep  me. One thing I believe is that we must set goals for the things we love to do. Personally, my musical goals keep me interested, challenged, and provide a lot of fun and enjoyment in my life.  We all need a healthy balance of work and play. I encourage everyone to add pleasurable activities and goals to their lives as much as possible.

Setting new goals can be very exciting and rewarding. I was recently thinking about the many reasons I am thankful for new goals. Goal setting has many benefits! I came up with 7, but I am sure there are many more. Please feel free to add to the list.

1. Goals give us something to look forward to, anticipate, expect.
2. Goals require us to make plans that we can pursue and achieve.
3. Goals help to refine our focus and vision.
4. Goals can spark our dreams and hopes and help us move toward them.
5. Goals give us the opportunity to learn, grow, change and improve.
6. Goals keep us moving forward.
7. Goals keep us busy, occupied and productive.

Setting new goals is a great way to start the new year and it is something we can do every day. For specific steps, go to my article: 5 Steps to Goal Setting Successful.


Your goals are the road maps that guide you and show you what is possible for your life. ~Les Brown

If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else. ~Yogi Berra

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives. ~Viktor Frankl

There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something. ~Henry Ford

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


Copyright © 2012 Krystal Kuehn, New Day Family and Couples Counseling Center. All Rights Reserved.


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com NewSongProductions.com and Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration.

Krystal is also author of The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships, Giving Thanks:


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DATING TIPS on CONVERSATION

Conversation is probably the most important part of your dating experience.  Sure, looking your best and having a good attitude matter, but most of your time together will in some way be spend in conversation.  Following are a few tips to make your conversations more interesting, comfortable, and enjoyable.  

♥ Have a good balance of talking and listening.  If you tend to be talkative, remember to ask more questions and take time to listen to your date.  If you tend to be on the quieter side, elaborating more on things can help you get in the flow of conversation.

♥ Be comfortable with times of silence. It is okay if there are moments when no one is talking.  You do not need to try to force conversation.  Let these be moments to simply be and allow new thoughts to flow naturally.

♥ If you feel stuck on what to talk about remember that familiar things such as hobbies, music, sports, pets, family and current events are great conversation starters.  They are also a good way to discover common interests.

♥ Accentuate your positive qualities. Do not put yourself down.  This only shows a lack of confidence and self-esteem.  You have strengths that you can be confident in.  Let them shine through.  It is not necessary to brag or show-off.  Arrogance is not very appealing and attractive. Confidence and humility are.

As you get to know each other, remember that the best way to impress your date is to be yourself. If you are okay with who you are, others will be too. You do not need to prove yourself, just be yourself!


It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~Samuel Butler

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for that part of me you bring out. -~Roy Croft


Copyright © 2012 New Day Family Marriage Counseling written by Krystal Kuehn


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com NewSongProductions.com and Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration.


For relationship success tips:  The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships


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Making Peace with Your Past

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise. ~Alden Nowlan

Are regrets, bad memories, or losses keeping you from enjoying each new day? Is the past keeping you from moving into the future with hope and anticipation?

I recently heard a man say that it was not until he made peace with his past that he truly began to live. It changed his life so drastically that everyone noticed there was something different about him. It was not until 20 years after losing his father that he began to grieve the loss for the first time. He finally allowed himself to face his past with all the anger and pain. There was so much that he missed out on. There were lost opportunities and things that would never be, so many regrets, poor choices, and bad experiences that would affect the rest of his life.

This man went through a process of acceptance and forgiveness. He felt the pain. He felt the anger. He mourned what was and could have been. And then, he released it. He made peace with his past, and he was ready to move on with his life. Suddenly, new opportunities before him became exciting. He began to fully appreciate what he had, the people in his life, and what he had become. He began to hope for a better and brighter future. He was ready to give more of himself to others. And he began to enjoy his life more and more.

For the first time since he could remember, he felt free—free of burdens from the past, free of unresolved pain, free of bitterness and self-pity. He was free indeed! He was free to enjoy his life, his family, and all that he had like never before. The past would no longer steal his joy and hope. It could not hold him back, and it was not going to keep him down any longer.

Is your past keeping you from fully enjoying your life? Sometimes we do not stop and think about it. Just like the man described above, we might have regrets, unresolved pain, sorrow, anger, or unforgiveness. These things keep us bound to the past. The past does not have to negatively influence our future. We can release it as we face it, deal with the emotions, come to accept what was and now is, and forgive our past.

Making peace with our past will lead us to experience healing, wholeness, and freedom to live our life with true joy. Every day is a new day to appreciate and enjoy. We do not have to allow our past to keep us from being truly happy today. Choose to be free and take the necessary steps to be free now. (We might want to have a professional counselor help us go through this process.)

Following are questions to reflect on and steps to take in making peace with our past:

1. Face your past. What are your regrets? What caused or still causes you pain? What are your losses? Have you grieved them?

2. Face your feelings. Does your past make you angry, sad, feel bad about yourself, bitter, damaged, cheated?

3. Forgive your past. Do you have any bitterness, hatred, or unforgiveness towards anyone (including yourself)? Why are you holding on to it? What would it take for you to release it and free yourself from its control in your life?

4. Accept your past. When we cannot change something, the healthiest thing we can do is accept it. Can you accept your past? What have you learned from it? How can it change you for the better?

5. Make peace with your past and be free. When your past no longer controls your life—your peace, your hope, attitude, relationships, ability to love others, give and share of yourself, dream, believe, and trust once again, then you are free!

It is my hope that this has helped you in making peace with your past, and in looking forward to better days ahead!

Krystal

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

 He who spends time regretting the past, loses the present and risks the future. ~Quevedo

Regret is an appalling waste of energy --you can't build on it. It's only good for wallowing in. ~Katherine Mansfield 

Your memory replays your past; your imagination replays your future. ~Mike Murdock


Copyright © 2007 Krystal Kuehn BeHappy4Life.com NewDayCounseling.org All Rights Reserved



Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com and BeHappy4Life.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.

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Taking Responsibility

Taking Responsiblity by Dennis Liegghio
(excerpt from Building a Foundation for Happiness )

Life is difficult. This is the great truth, one of the greatest truths—it is a great truth because once we see this truth, we transcend it. ~ M. Scott Peck


For so many years, I believed that my life was a cruel joke, and was the direct result of everything that had ever happened to me. I believed that I was “born to lose” and I blamed my life events and the circumstances that I was born into. Coming to terms with three, simple truths about life allowed me to start looking at my life from a different perspective, and helped to set me free from the chains of the past.

1. Life is sometimes difficult, and can seem unfair. Bad things happen to good people every day. That’s life. We can’t control much of what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. There are ups and downs, tragedies and triumphs, love and loss. It’s all a part of the human experience and accepting that we can’t control much of what we experience allows us to focus on the experience itself, trusting that “this too shall pass”, and take with us the lesson that we are meant to learn. Struggle, pain and adversity exist so that we may learn resilience, humility and compassion. These things did not happen to us because we are cursed or doomed or born to suffer. These things happen to us so that we can grow.

2. The world doesn’t owe me anything. I believed for so long, that because my life had been full of tragedy and heartbreak and loss that I was entitled to peace, love, success and happiness. I believed that I shouldn’t have to put any effort into, or work toward these things. I believed life owed me this. God owed me this. Everyone who I ever came into contact with owed me this. That is what I expected, and that is how I behaved. Nobody owes me anything of course, and when I accepted that, and took responsibility for it, my perceptions began to change. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t have (and what I believed I should have), I began focusing on all of the amazing gifts and people in my life, and being grateful for them. Acknowledging that gratitude each day – in my heart, and out loud, helped me redirect my thoughts and to accept that I wasn’t entitled to anything. Everything was a gift! If I wanted peace, and love and success and happiness (for whatever those things meant to me) I had to work towards these things, just like everyone else.

3. My happiness and well-being is MY responsibility. For so many years, I would go to sleep each night hoping that someday, some girl would swoop into my life and rescue me. Take me away from all this pain and sadness and make everything OK. This of course, is a fairy tale. We are not capable of being good for someone else, or truly loving someone else until we are good for ourselves, until we love ourselves. It’s unfair to place this expectation on another human being. We are all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got on our journey, and it’s not fair to dump our shortcomings, insecurities, negative attitudes and unhealthy behaviors on someone else. I needed to do some pretty serious self-examination and work on developing positive thoughts, actions and behaviors before I could start cultivating positive and meaningful relationships in my life. It’s not right to place our expectation of happiness on someone else’s shoulders, and we’ll never find happiness if we continue living life this way.

My big breakthrough moment (which I will describe later) was very similar to the scene in Good Will Hunting, though it took many years to get there: my father’s suicide was not my fault, and there was nothing that I could have done. The past is over, and it was time to move on. Nobody can change their past, and I’m not trying to minimize what I experienced as a child or anything that you’ve experienced in your past, but this is now, and we have the choice, the power, and the responsibility to start moving forward. Our past does not dictate our future… Tomorrow is built on the choices we make today.

You’ll have an amazing sense of empowerment once you decide to stop blaming others, or circumstances that you had no control over, and start taking responsibility for the choices you make starting right now. You are free to make choices every day. You are free to choose to stay in unhealthy relationships and you are free to choose not to. You are free to choose with whom you will spend your time and what you will spend your time doing. You are free to choose to express yourself or ask for help when you feel overwhelmed and you are free to choose to isolate yourself and self-medicate. You are free to choose to go for a walk or a jog or a bike ride and you are free to choose to lay on the couch and watch TV. You are free to flip the guy off who just cut you off and lose your temper and you are free to take deep breath and let it go because you have no control over this person’s actions. You are free to make choices that will help you learn and grow and you are free to make choices that will keep you where you’re at in life. It starts by recognizing that you do have a choice in each moment – reflect on what the possible choices are and make a choice based on what you think would have the most positive and healthy outcome. I was free to keep getting wasted every day and running from my problems, and I was free to make the choice to seek help and look for answers. I chose to seek help and look for answers.

Despite the stigma that is somehow still attached, seeking help from a therapist doesn’t mean that you’re crazy. The goal of therapy is to provide a safe environment for an intimate relationship to develop. In this environment, you learn the skills needed to open yourself up and be vulnerable to someone else and discuss your fears and insecurities. Through this relationship, where the therapist is a professionally trained listener with the ability to empathize, you can feel free to discuss these things, and arrive at a place where you feel confident and secure enough to move forward in a healthy manner. The client / therapist relationship builds trust and helps you to develop communication and coping skills. In short, you are taught how to own and process your feelings. Therapy can be a very helpful thing for those of us who have experienced traumas that we have not yet processed. Building intimate relationships with others (not just romantic ones) can also be useful for these purposes, but therapy provides an unbiased, professional environment. If you are having trouble sustaining meaningful, intimate relationships with others I would strongly suggest looking into therapy. My life, attitude and relationships have all improved dramatically since.

Building a Foundation for Happiness
by Dennis Liegghio
http://www.detourproject.org/


Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses. ~George Washington Carver


You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. ~ Jim Rohn

If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim. ~Richard Bach

 Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. ~John W. Gardner

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Happy New Year!

We will soon leave 2011 behind us forever. And we joyfully welcome 2012 as we believe for a great New Year!

Every year we leave the old behind and welcome the new. Every year we have good memories that will continue to bless us for years to come, and we also have some bad ones from which we can learn and grow.

Just as each new day offers us a fresh new start and opportunity, we have a new year to anticipate and expect many good things. Regardless of any disappointments or challenges faced in 2011, let us continue to hope, dream, and set new goals for 2012. It is going to be good. Expect it and plan on it!

The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!

~Edward Payson Powell

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.

~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

May you have a very Happy, Healthy, Prosperous and Blessed New Year!!

God bless you, Krystal, Violet and all of us at New Day Counseling

NewDayCounseling.org

Christmas Joy: The Story of a Modern Day Santa

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. ~Bob Phillips

The holiday season can be one of the most beautiful and loving times of the year. It is a magical time when our hearts are more open to give and think of others. Whether it is gifts, donations, or kindness, our giving brings us much of the joy we experience and associate with Christmas.

A man recently told me of an unexpected encounter he had with a homeless couple. He was on his way to work and planned to make a quick stop at a hardware store. As he walked in he saw a young man and woman carrying what appeared to be all their belongings in bags. He made brief contact with the couple at the store entrance and learned that they were on their way to the local homeless shelter. They were with a large group and had missed their ride when they made a stop. On his way into the store, the couple asked the man for a ride to the shelter. When he told them he was unable to give them a ride, they asked him for a some money for the next bus. They were desperate. The man gave them a few dollars and wished them well. He proceeding to complete his errand, but couldn't get the sad image of the homeless couple out of his mind.  He had a strong desire to turn back to do more for them. He believed the couple was being truthful with him. He didn’t know how they got into the situation they were in, but his heart went out to them. He turned around and saw them walking toward the bus stop.  He approached them and with a warm, loving smile, put a large dollar bill into the young man’s hand. In complete surprise and gratitude, the young man began to weep and hugged the man who helped them. To this homeless couple, he was like Santa Claus; yet, he was an unexpected stranger who crossed their path and shared God’s love with them. That day, this modern-day Santa Claus brought some hope into those people’s lives and much joy into his own. Modern day Santas are some of the jolliest people around!

There is something magical about giving. It blesses everyone involved. Christmastime is one very special time, and one of many that we have to spread the good cheer and make someone’s day, week, month, or life brighter. Don’t wait until a special occasion to bring joy to others. Now is the time to give, love and experience some Christmas magic!

Somehow, not only for Christmas,
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others,
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing,
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing,
Returns to you glad.
~John Greenleaf Whittier

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. ~ W. C. Jones
 
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. ~Hamilton Wright Mabi


Copyright © 2010 Krystal Kuehn andViolet James, BeHappy4Life.com,   All Rights Reserved.


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com and BeHappy4Life.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.


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Do You See The Clouds or Sunshine? It's Your Choice

"What a beautiful, sunny day,” I thought when I awoke this morning. “It’s going to be a good day!” I got out of bed with a new energy and a good attitude. Then I began to wonder, what is it about today that’s different from the past several days? Well, it was cloudy most every other morning until this morning. What a difference sunshine can make! Actually, as I pondered this, I came to realize that it is so much more than that. What it really comes down to is a choice. Notice that I had determined in my mind that it was going to be a good day. Every day and every hour, it is up to us to decide how we’re going to respond to situations, people, problems and plans.

External factors can have the power to influence us, lead us to feel pressured, or respond out of habit only in accordance to how much we allow them to. And that’s just it. How much will we allow them to? We have a free will. That leaves us with a responsibility to choose the good, true, just, and lovely if we want to enjoy our lives. Even the desire to break out of old, negative patterns requires us to make a choice. Ultimately, we are in control of our choices and attitudes.

Another key point that determined the good attitude I had for the day was the expression of my heartfelt gratitude as I enjoyed the beauty of the brightness from the sun. A heart of gratitude always improves our attitude. A grateful heart keeps our focus on the good in people, the possibilities, and the simple enjoyment and refreshing that can come from the things we so often take for granted.

Regardless of the weather or any other external factors, keeping our focus right will help us maintain a healthy attitude of hope and expectation of good things to come. The warmth of the sun, the brightness of its light, the shimmer of its beauty never changes. Clouds can block it but can’t take it away.

The next time the clouds threaten to take your sunshine away, remember that it is shining just as bright as ever. You don’t have to wait for the clouds to lift to experience its warmth or to appreciate its beauty. Let it remind you that God’s mercies are new every morning. He doesn’t change like the weather or people or situations do. He is always there to brighten up even your darkest day. His light will help you to see that there is hope no matter what the situation. The warmth of His love will wrap around you and keep you safe in His care. You can rejoice and be glad for this is the day the Lord has made and He wants you to enjoy it!

Copyright 2006 Krystal Kuehn
Do You See The Clouds or Sunshine? It's Your Choice
Mirror Newspaper, Dec. 15, 2005, Vol. 2, Number 15
by Krystal Kuehn

Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail. ~Og Mandino

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind... let it be something good. ~Author Unknown

Light is sweet; how pleasant to see a new day dawning. ~Ecclesiastes



Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse DUI classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com, BeHappy4Life.com , NewSongProductions.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.

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Practice Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Gratitude

 Practice Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Gratitude by Dennis Liegghio (excerpt from Building a Foundation for Happiness )

Acceptance

A great deal of my anger, disappointment, frustration and despair came from unmet expectations… expectations that I was holding onto of myself, of others and of life. I spent many years wasting my energy wishing that people, and life in general was different. Unrealistic and unmet expectations are counterproductive to finding peace and balance and happiness. I was constantly miserable, ungrateful and dissatisfied.

Change is necessary, constant and unavoidable. Nothing stays the same. What is “fair” or “just” or “right” does not exist – only what “is”. We have no control over other people’s beliefs, actions or behaviors – people aren’t what we think or wish they “should” be – they simply “are”.
Acceptance is achieved by letting go of our expectations and planting ourselves firmly in what “is” – for that is reality, the only thing that matters. Focusing on anything else is a waste of time, energy and health and it really is as simple as that. The next time you find yourself getting angry or frustrated about something you simply can’t do anything about, calmly remind yourself to focus on what you can control (your reaction) and let go what you cannot (everything else).

“Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” – Tom Magliozzi

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about being in the moment – not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future, simply being where you are right now and experiencing only that. Practicing and cultivating mindfulness relieved a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety in my life. I lived in a constant state of worry, frustration and panic and I didn’t even know it.

When I first started learning about mindfulness, my first step was to simply notice when I started getting into these obsessive thought cycles (about work, about whoever I was dating, about what had to get done, or what I should have said, or what this person thought of me… are they mad at me? Did I piss them off somehow? Oh my god, I have so much work to do tomorrow, I’m never going to get everything done. On and on and on and on!)

So I learned to take notice of this, and interrupt myself. I would touch something nearby (a wall, a piece of furniture, etc.) and take three very deep breaths. Breathe in, hold for a few seconds, and breathe out. It was a 30 second break to remind myself that wherever I was, whatever I was doing – it was the only thing that I could be doing, the only thing that mattered. I practiced and repeated this simple exercise whenever and wherever I could: taking a shower, shaving, brushing my teeth, driving, writing, playing my guitar, walking, spending time with someone. After a month or two (of daily practice), it became habit.

Soon enough, it seemed almost anything that I was doing could be seen as an opportunity to practice being present. Walking, washing dishes, cleaning the house, writing a song, driving. I found so many opportunities to practice mindfulness in my daily routines and it helped me to become more patient, kind and focused. You can only exist in this moment. Practice being fully present in whatever it is that you are doing.

Gratitude

In my darkest times, I was focused solely on everything that I wanted or needed or didn’t have. I focused on how successful or happy others were (in my eyes) and wasted all my time wishing my life or house or family was more like theirs. It was an endless cycle of negativity and wanting – nothing was ever good enough. It’s easy to get stuck in a thought pattern of what we wish we had, or to focus on what other’s have that we don’t – but it’s pointless and insignificant to live by comparison when the reality is that we have so much to be grateful for everyday.

What we need to survive is a very short list: air, food, water, shelter, and human connection. Everything else is a want, a luxury, a gift – and these gifts should be reflected on and appreciated. As I learned to practice gratitude, on a daily basis, for everything and everyone that I had in my life, what was missing became insignificant.

Take some time each morning when you rise and each night before going to sleep to reflect on the gifts in your life. Even in my darkest hours there were people, experiences and gifts each day that I could be grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal, take lots of pictures, create photo albums – reminders of who and what you are thankful for and surround yourself with these things.

Yes, there are hard times – financial hardships, job losses, breakups, accidents, injuries, sicknesses, challenges, obstacles, uncertainties and minor everyday irritations. We all face this stuff throughout our lives, and nobody’s life is perfect or without struggle (no matter how perfect you think it is). There are ups and downs, sometimes we have less, sometimes we have more – but there are things to be grateful for in our lives everyday and THAT is what we need to shift our focus to. Once you learn how to adopt an “attitude of gratitude” you’ll find that the grass is green on your side too.


Building a Foundation for Happiness
by Dennis Liegghio
http://www.detourproject.org/

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more. ~Brother David Steindl-Rast


Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~ Melodie Beattie

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. ~Denis Waitley


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Give Thanks at All Times - Good and Bad

It is really easy to be thankful when things are going well. But how do we stay thankful when they are not? It may be difficult, but practicing gratitude at all times is one of the best ways to make it through setbacks and disappointments. It keeps us hopeful and reminds us that we made it through hard times before. It helps us to see that life is still good. Circumstances may be negative, but they can change. People may hurt us, but we can heal. Losses may never be recovered, but we can gain something new. The more we practice gratitude for what is good, right, beautiful and hopeful, the more real it becomes to us. So whether we are going through some bad times or the best of times, it is always appropriate and empowering to be thankful.

Following is a poem that helps remind us why we can be thankful at all times.

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful in the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful when you have limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful during the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful in the midst of your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

~ Author unknown.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul. ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

A thankful person is thankful under all circumstances. A complaining soul complains even if he lives in paradise. ~Baha’u’llah

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus


Find the good and praise it. ~Alex Haley


Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot. ~Hausa of Nigeria


If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily. ~Gerald Good




Copyright © 2010 Krystal Kuehn, New Day Counseling Services. All Rights Reserved.



Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse DUI classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com, BeHappy4Life.com , NewSongProductions.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.







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