Battling the Back-to-School Blues

Battling the Back-To-School Blues
by Dr. Charles Fay

Parents can make the first days of school fun rather than frustrating.



Too frequently, children begin the school year unprepared to succeed, quickly experience frustration and failure, and get turned–off to learning. However, kids can love instead of loath the first days of school; they just need a little help from mom and dad. Here's how:

Tip #1: Give your children the gift of chores.

Children who regularly do chores at home find it much easier to do assignments at school. Why? Both schoolwork and chores require perseverance, delayed gratification, and attention to detail. When parents expect chores to be done without reminders and without pay, children also learn how to work independently and to enjoy the intrinsic rewards of accomplishment.


Tip #2: In a loving way, hold your children accountable for their chores.

Parents who nag and remind their children to do chores raise kids who expect their teachers to nag and remind them to do assignments. These children don't do well in school. Smarter parents ask their children to do their chores, bite their tongues, and let empathy and consequences do the teaching. Why empathy? When parents deliver sincere doses of empathy or sadness before describing consequences, their children learn responsibility rather than resentment. A parent might say:

How sad… I love you so much, but you forgot to clean your bathroom today. Now I don't have the energy to take you swimming. This really stinks.

Tip #3: Limit television, videos, videogames, and other "entertaining" activities.

Children who are used to being entertained during the summer by fast-paced TV shows, movies, games, and trips to the amusement park go into shock when they enter the classroom. Before long, they begin to complain about how "boring" their teachers are and how much they dislike school. Love and Logic parents help their children transition back to school by making their homes so "boring" that their kids can't wait to be back in class!

Tip #4: Have fun with reading and writing.

During the first week of school, teachers can always tell the difference between the children who've been read to during the summer and those who have not. Spend at least 20 minutes per day reading with your kids. Experiment with reading one page, asking your child to read the next, and alternating back and forth. Writing is important too! Experiment with having your child spend the two weeks prior to the start of school making and writing cards for friends and relatives. Your child's writing skills will grow… and so will these relationships!


With these practical tips from The Love and Logic® Institute, you can give your kids an advantage in school that will last for months, years, and a lifetime! Parents around the world have benefited from the power of these four down-to-earth tips. Now it's your turn to give your kids the head start they deserve!


Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.
©2001 Dr. Charles Fay

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives. ~Clay P. Bedford


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. ~William Arthur Ward

What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. ~George Bernard Shaw

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ~Aristotle

Knowledge exists to be imparted. -Emerson

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. ~John Dewey

The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives. ~Robert Maynard Hutchins
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. ~Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok


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Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.


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4 Key Steps to Discussing Schoolwork & Building True Winners

You're on your way home from work. You're anxious for some encouraging talk and a little relaxation after a hard day. You need all the support you can get to recharge your batteries and feel strong enough to go back tomorrow and face another working day.

You are greeted with, "Hi, Honey. How was it today? Where are your papers? I want to see how you did all day." "It was OK," you reply. "I really don't want to talk about it. I'm really beat." "Well, no wonder you don't want to talk about it. Look at these papers. You can do a lot better than this. Where was your mind today? You sit down right now and we'll go over these proposals you wrote and get the spelling straightened out. And look at these paragraphs. You'll never get promoted at this rate. I don't understand this. You have so much more potential than this."

How long would it be before you find a more comfortable place to go after work? "Who needs this?" you'll say."I can find someone who can show me a little more appreciation for my hard work!"

Many school–age children face this same situation daily. They are greeted after school with, "What did you learn today?" and "Where is your homework? You get on it right now!"

Children are also requested to bring home their papers so that the mistakes can be corrected. Even though this is done with love and caring, it trains them to focus on their weaknesses.

The problem faced by students is that they can't choose to go somewhere else after school. They can't avoid facing a replay of their daily failures. They must return home and listen to whatever their parents have to say. It is very difficult for a child to say,"Mother! Do you realize you are training me to keep my school progress a secret from you?" Soon they quit bringing home papers. They make excuses and blame it on their teachers. "She never gives me my papers to bring home."

The next step is for the parent to go to school demanding that the teacher develop some sort of foolproof reporting method. Teachers are actually faced with writing daily and weekly reports for parents. This never provides a long-term solution because it addresses the wrong problem. It also robs teachers of valuable teaching and preparation time.

The real problem is that the child has learned that it is unsafe to discuss school with his or her parents. Rather than developing a reporting plan, it is much wiser to work on the real problem–helping children and parents learn to talk to each other in safe and supportive ways. This solution works, and it lasts a lifetime.

You can teach your child to discuss school with you. While you are doing this, you can also lay the foundation blocks that will build a true winner out of your youngster.


STEP ONE: Sit down with your children two to three times per week. Have them point out the best things they did on their papers.

STEP TWO: Make sure your child describes to you the reasons for his or her success. As they put these into words, the reasons for the success will be imprinted on their brain, never to be erased. They will start to believe they are in control of their success.

STEP THREE: Work with your children on their mistakes only when they ask for your help. Let the school work on deficiencies. Teachers have training to help with the deficiencies in effective ways.

STEP FOUR: Be patient. This is a real change in operation. It will take the child a period of time to believe that this is not just a new phase his parents are going through. Look for the real benefits to show up in several months or maybe during the next few years, depending upon the child's past history.

Winners always think about how they are going to succeed. Losers always think about their possible failures.


©1998 Jim Fay

Schoolwork written by Dr. Charles Fay. Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.



Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.





New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children counseling, teenage counseling, divorce counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.






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Parent's Guide for Helping Children Succeed in School

1.Love and Logic parents remember that parents can't teach for teachers and teachers can't parent for parents. Remember that teachers and parents can't learn for kids no matter how much we love them.

2.Show the same amount of love for your children regardless of their success in school.

◦Show sadness rather than anger when they have trouble at school.

3.Expect your children to do their share of the chores at home.

4.Spend some time each day talking with excitement about your work and your day. They will want to imitate you and will soon begin to talk about school and their day.

5.Take turns reading to each other every day.

6.Have your children teach you something they have learned at school. Do this once per week.

7.Encourage your children to do things that "charge their batteries." Encourage them to try many different activities as a way of discovering interests and talents.

Remind them that they will build their careers around their talents, not around their weaknesses.

8.Provide a time and place for homework. Expect that they will study. Allow them to study either by writing the assignments or thinking hard about them for a reasonable amount of time.

◦If they decide to study by thinking instead of writing or reading, have them think of a plan for explaining it to the teacher.

◦Support the teacher to handle this:

1.Don't fight with children over the homework.

2.Don't fight with the teachers over the grade or consequence.

3.Tell your children that you will love them regardless of their grades or the number of years it takes to complete each grade.

9.Don't pay your children for good grades and don't punish for bad grades. Be excited about the good grades and sad for the children about their bad grades.

10.Have your children bring home papers.

◦Look at the right answers instead of the wrong ones.

◦Don't correct the wrong answers—leave this for the teacher.

◦Have your children explain the reasons for the answers being right. If they don't know, give them three choices:

1.You cheated?

2.You tried hard?

3.You are getting smarter in that subject?

11.Expect this Love and Logic program to take about one year before you see good results. Remember that children who have a hard time at school need to get away from it for a while each day. More homework and problems at home about school won't help.

◦Don't complain to teachers that they should give this child more homework.

◦Use this program instead and you will see amazing results in one year.

◦Fight with your children and their teachers about homework and the problem will still be there in years to come.

12. Love and Logic parents remember that highly successful people put most of their efforts into their talents and maintain minimal standards on everything else.

 

©1991 Jim Fay
The One Year Plan: Parent's Guide for Helping Children Succeed in School written by Jim Fay.

Love and Logic Institute, Golden, CO.





Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.




New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.






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End Childhood Swearing - Stop Bad Language Without Lectures or Harsh Punishments

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, "Notice something you don't like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse." Childhood swearing is a good example.

Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats.

A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination.

"Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven't generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can't compete with this!"

Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn't work because the parent's attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid.

Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles:

1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word.

Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, "Is this the right place for that word? Thank you." Some effective parents say, "How sad. There's someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don't you go to your room and have a talk with that person."


2. Use the Love and Logic® "Energy Drain" technique.

"Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me." Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, "I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks."

This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, "Energy Drain," each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away.

One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realized her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, "Energy Drain." She was shocked.

This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, "Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?" "Maybe," he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, "Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I'll feel better after two more ice cream cones."

Using a few Love and Logic parenting techniques not only helps us raise better kids, but also trains our kids to be better parents when they grow up.


©2002 Jim Fay
End Childhood Swearing - Stop Bad Language Without Lectures or Harsh Punishments written by Dr. Charles Fay. Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.


Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.




New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children counseling, teen counseling, divorce counseling, porn addiction, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.





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Parenting Tips: One-Liners

Kids seem to have a repertoire of "hooks" they use to get their parents to argue with them. Here are some Love and Logic One-Liners that will get parents off the hook and cause children to do more of the thinking.

Remember: The "one-liners" are only effective when said with genuine compassion and understanding. These are never intended to be flippant remarks that discount the feelings of the child. If an adult uses these responses to try to get the better of a child, the problem will only become worse. The adult's own attitude at these times is crucial to success.


•"Probably so."

•"I know."

•"Nice try."

•"I bet it feels that way."

•"What do you think you're going to do."

•"I don't know. What do you think?"

•"Bummer. How sad."

•"Thanks for sharing that."

•"Don't worry about it now."

•"That's an option."

•"I bet that's true."

•"Maybe you'll like what we have for the next meal better."

•"What do you think I think about that?"

•"I'm not sure how to react to that. I'll have to get back to you on it."

•"I'll let you know what will work for me."

•"I'll love you wherever you live."


©1999 Jim Fay
One-Lines written by Jim Fay, Love and Logic Institute


Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is!  You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships.  Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy.  For more information or to register online go to:   Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.






New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family.  We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples.  We also offer groups for anger counseling.  Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050.  We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you. 


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