When There is Hurt and Distancing in Relationships (from Couples Counseling Series)

If someone were to throw a punch at you, you would most likely try to protect yourself from getting hit. And if you were to feel the heat of a flaming fire, you would keep yourself far enough away to avoid getting burned. Self-preservation comes naturally as no one wants to experience pain or injury. So threats to our well-being motivate us to distance ourselves from anything with the potential to harm us. It is a necessary and reasonable response in many situations.

Relationships are no different. When we feel hurt or unloved we pull away from people in our lives. We distance ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves from more pain and injury. We may do this in a number of ways. It is often very subtle to start. We might keep ourselves busy and away from the person(s) who hurt us. We might not open ourselves up to sharing what is on our minds and hearts anymore. We might withdraw our warmth and affection. We might stop investing our time in giving and nurturing the relationship.

In all this, what we are actually doing is crying out, “You don’t care about me.” “I don’t feel you love me.” “I just want to know I am important to you.” “If I pull away, will you then hear me and notice me?” But often we do not recognize that our acts of self-preservation can end up pushing others further away. They may begin to feel you do not love or care about them as well. So the emotional distancing pushes you even further apart.

As the hurt deepens, your needs for love, attention, and affection go unmet. When this happens it is common for people to try to meet their own needs. They divert their energies and attention to other things such as work, hobbies, parenting, socializing, shopping, and an entire host of addictions. Pulling away and distancing in relationships causes disconnection. Without connectedness relationships do not work. That may explain why many give up on their relationships. As a result, feelings of hurt, betrayal and failure keep them from believing that restoration is possible.

But there is a healing balm that can heal every wound. It soothes the sting of burns and takes away the pain. It comforts broken hearts and revives hope again. It provides a place of refuge where you feel safe and secure to share and give of yourself all over again. Where it flows in abundance, there miracles happen. It is the greatest gift of all. It is what relationships are meant for. It is the gift of love.

Love, along with honor, commitment, and healthy communication restores brokenness. If you have pulled away from a relationship in an effort to protect yourself from getting hurt, will you allow love to break down the walls you’ve erected? Will you make a decision to not accept failure for your relationships? Will you begin to draw close to others and communicate your feelings and needs to them?

Today can be a new day to build and enrich your relationships as you begin to draw near to others in love, grace and forgiveness.


* Couples who are experiencing hurt and distancing in their relationship and want to restore their love and communication may benefit from couples counseling where they can gain insight and better understanding of themselves and their partner, develop better communication skills, resolve unhealthy patterns and recurring problems, gain more respect and trust, and draw closer and more in love with one another.




When There is Hurt and Distancing in Relationships (from Couples Counseling Series)
Copyright © 2007, 2011 NewDayCounseling.org All Rights Reserved.


Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.  ~Robert Brault


Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Phyllis McGinley


To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada


There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire.  ~Robert Brault


When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. ~John Gray

Sometimes two people need to step apart and make a space between that each might see the other anew,
in a glance across a room or silhouetted against the moon. ~Robert Brault




Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child adolescent counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning self-improvement and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, online workshops, video presentations, insights, and inspiration.




New Day Counseling is a family counseling center that provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, adolescent counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.



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