Marital Secrets - 7 Reasons We Keep Them

Matt has an online relationship with a woman from another state. It isn’t anything serious, so why worry his wife? Katie has been hiding her spending sprees from her husband that has put them into serious financial debt. She is afraid if he finds out he will never forgive her. Jason never told his wife that he got fired from his job, but rather, that he got laid off. He did not want her to lose faith and respect for him.


From the above scenarios, we can clearly see that couples keep secrets from one another and they are not always honest. Let’s look at some reasons why people keep marital secrets:

• They dread their spouse’s reaction which may evoke anger, rejection, blame or punishment.

• They fear that it will just cause more unnecessary problems.

• They are concerned that the secret will hurt or worry the spouse.

• The secret may involve another person whom they don’t want to bring up.

• They do not want to disclose details or issues from their past.

• The secret is something they are ashamed of.

• The secret may involve something illegal.

In couples counseling we often find that the most common secrets involve affairs, misuse of money, criminal problems, pornography, or sex issues.

Although couples want to be honest with each other, there are proper boundaries between an individual’s privacy and keeping potentially relationship damaging secrets. So a key question is, “Would you want or need to know this secret if it were held by your partner?”

The marriage can be negatively affected if some secrets are not told. It can be difficult to keep secrets in a marriage and be honest and true at the same time. The big secrets can eventually lead to big marital problems.

The goal is to preserve a healthy relationship built on trust, honesty and open communication. And remember, marital secrets are not always the core problem. Marital secrets are oftentimes the symptom to a bigger problem. Why does the secret-keeping spouse feel a need to keep the secret? What is he/she afraid of? What does he/she really have to hide?

Couples counseling can help couples uncover reasons for marital secrets, help couples work through underlying issues, find balance between sharing secrets and a place for individual privacy, and strengthen marriages to face issues and overcome problems.

A quarter of all married men surveyed admitted to having kept "an important secret" from their spouse, such as debts, gambling, hidden financial assets, alcohol or drug abuse, or hidden sexual practices. An even greater percentage of women--31%--said they had discovered that their spouse kept an important secret from them. (Parade Poll Special Report)

Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away. (from the movie Evita)

Concealing any activity from the other may create unnecessary suspicion and mistrust between husband and wife and the situation may go beyond repairs one day. Therefore it is in the best interest of both to share what ever they have so that it strengthens the mutual-bond and love. ~Atharva Veda

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. ~Saint Jerome

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find. ~John Collins

But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication. ~Abraham Maslow

To know that one has a secret is to know half the secret itself. ~Henry Ward Beecher

It is wise to disclose what cannot be concealed. ~Friedrich von Schiller

What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does not think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does. ~unknown

We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows. ~Robert Frost

Marital Secrets – Why We Keep Them? (from the Couples Counseling Series) by Krystal Kuehn
Copyright © 2011 New Day Counseling All Rights Reserved.




Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, best-selling author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com and BeHappy4Life.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.



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The 7 Criteria of Emotional Maturity

What does it mean to be mature? According to Merriam-Webster, mature is defined as having completed natural growth and development. That is, being fully grown, complete, ready.

I do not believe that we arrive at a state of complete emotional maturity with no further need for growth and development. Rather, emotional maturity is a life-long process. We continually grow in our experience of love, acceptance, stability, adaption, and so forth.

Following is the list (underlined) of Criteria of Emotional Maturity by William C. Menninger, psychiatrist and co-founder of the Menninger Clinic along with some of my thoughts and comments. As we grow and develop in the following areas, we become more emotionally mature with greater mental and emotional stability, healthier relationships, and improved lives.

1. The ability to deal constructively with reality

To deal with reality in a constructive manner, we must face truth, the facts, rather than deny them. Running from problems or hoping they do not exist does not make them go away. Regardless of how unpleasant they may be at times, facing the facts is the first step to dealing with any situation.

When people have difficulty facing reality, they resort to all sorts of unhealthy ways to deal with the unpleasant feelings and pain. They try to soothe themselves with alcohol, drugs, or any other way that temporarily masks their reality and pain. There are healthy and constructive ways to cope that lead to greater emotional maturity and growth. It may not be the easiest path to take, but it leads to healing, lasting comfort and hope.

Set up as an ideal the facing of reality as honestly and as cheerfully as possible. ~Karl Menninger

2. The capacity to adapt to change

Change is not always easy. It can turn our world upside down at times and cause a great deal of stress. Whether the change is minor, like having to change our plans for the day, or more significant, such as moving to a new home, changing jobs, getting married or divorced, adapting to change is to make necessary adjustments. Sometimes the most important adjustment is in our attitude. Change can annoy us as it disrupts our routine and expectations, but we can choose to accept it and allow ourselves time to get comfortable with change.

3. A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties

The symptoms produced from tensions and anxieties can include physical distress (headaches, stomach problems, rapid heart rate) and emotional distress (worry, restlessness, panic). Anxiety is a major mental health problem affecting millions of people every day. It negatively affects all levels of people's lives--their mental and physical health, relationships, work. To live free of its destructive symptoms and consequences is to cope with life stress in a healthy manner, learn to relax, release worries, and develop inner peace.

4. The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving

People who give of themselves--their time, attention, help, finances, or what they are able-- are generally more fulfilled and happy than those who do not. People who are primarily takers are more likely to use others for their own personal gain and are often considered selfish, stingy, and/or greedy. Like the old scrooge, they end up miserable. Givers, on the other hand, want to contribute and make a positive difference in this world. It is healthy to give cheerfully and willingly as it contributes to our sense of purpose and helps us connect with others and our society.

5. The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness

Like I always say, life is all about relationships. We relate to others every single day--whether it is a relative, co-worker, neighbor, or stranger, our lives are intertwined with others. Love and respect are two key factors to relating successfully to others. Unlike dysfunctional relationships, healthy relationships are stable and provide deep satisfaction and joy. I share much more about this in my book, The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships.

6. The capacity to sublimate, to direct one's instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets

If we were to release all our frustrations and anger on the world, we would have a hostile existence. Instead, we can take that energy and direct it into something good and productive. It has long been said that sports is a great outlet of extra energy. Anything that is positive, constructive and creative can redirect our energies and put them to good use. A basketball player once told me that the court is where all his angry energy was released. He redirected his hostile energy in an acceptable way within specific guidelines and limits. It gave him a constructive outlet and helped him to really enjoy what he was doing without hurting others and/or himself.

7. The capacity to love

Love is the greatest power in the world. As humans, we are born with the capacity to love. The greatest differences between us are how we communicate our love. In my book, The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships, I share the most effective ways to communicate love that will improve relationships and help you grow in the power and capacity to love.

Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~Karl Menninger

One does not fall in love; one grows into love, and love grows in him. ~Karl MenningerSelf-love is not opposed to the love of other people. You cannot really love yourself and do yourself a favor without doing people a favor, and vise versa. ~Karl Menninger

Experience is not what happens to you, it's how you interpret what happens to you. ~Aldous Huxley

Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. ~unknown

In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships. ~John Gottman (from Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child)

Let's not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it. ~Vincent Van Gogh

Copyright © 2010 Krystal Kuehn, New Day Counseling. All Rights Reserved.

Criteria of Emotional Maturity by William C. Menninger, MD (1899-1966), Co-founder of The Menninger Clinic, Copyright © 1966 The Menninger Clinic

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, best-selling author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com and BeHappy4Life.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.




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Practice Gratitude to be Healthy, Happy and Wealthy

If you have health, you will probably be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it is not all you want. ~Elbert Hubbard

As I reflected on the quote above, I was reminded of several things. For one, health is not only a gift, it is a responsiblity. We make choices every day that affect our overall physical, emotional and spiritual health. What we put into our bodies and minds has immediate and/or long-term influence in our lives. Something as simple as complaining about a frustrated goal or dreaded appointment can keep us from feeling gratitude and hope. Something seemingly innocuous as snacking on sweets can spoil our appetite for healthy foods and contribute to our feelings of guilt and lack of self-control.

Taking good care of ourselves is an ongoing process and challenge that can become an established way of life with commitment, discipline and practice. The more we practice healthy habits of body and mind, the more likely they will come naturally to us. With practice, we can feed our minds and bodies with what is good for them, and we can have better health.

Now if we have health, that is, if our minds and bodies are well taken care of, we will most likely be happy as it stands to reason. In that case, happiness is actually a byproduct of a healthy body, soul, and spirit. And furthermore, if we have both health and happiness, we are wealthy indeed. Now the last part of the quote is what I spent a little more time thinking about. It states that with health and happiness we have all the wealth we need. Yet, despite having this wealth, it may not be all we want. 

Does this imply that we can still be happy and not have what we want? We may have what we need, but is it enough? Does not having what we want justify unhappiness? To some of us it does. We are not happy unless we have what we want. But to be happy in the midst of not having what we want suggests a way of being that leaves our inner joy intact. Is it hope that keeps us believing? Is it gratitude that keeps us fulfilled? Is it patience that helps us to appreciate and live in the now? Is it peace that keeps us secure? Is it love that satisfies our deepest longings?

The next time not having what we want tempts to rob us of true inner joy and peace, maybe we ought to ask ourselves how much our health is worth. Are we not wealthy when we see the good, hope and believe the best, release doubts, fears, and anger, receive and give love and thanks? And are we not wealthy when we awaken to a new day with strength and vitality, seeing the light, breathing fresh air, and ready to fulfill our day's purpose and enjoy life's simple blessings?

Health, happiness, and wealth.... suddenly they all seem to come together.

Reflections on Health, Happiness & Wealth
Copyright © 2010 BeHappy4Life.com. All Rights Reserved

 

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a licensed professional counselor, best-selling author, teacher, and musician. She specializes in helping people live their best life now, reach their full potential, overcome barriers, heal from their past, and develop a lifestyle of health, happiness, and love. Krystal is the cofounder of NewDayCounseling.org, a relationship counseling, family counseling center, specializing in helping individuals, couples and families with professional counseling services for relationship problems, parenting issues, depression, anxiety as well a s substance abuse classes, anger management groups, and more. Krystal is also cofounder of StopSuicideSong.com and BeHappy4Life.com as well as Facebook.com/WordsOfInspiration and several blogs.

Giving Thanks: Why It Makes You Happy, Fills You with Peace & Changes Your Life!

We all have been reminded to count our blessings and not take them for granted. Although we may claim to be grateful, we do not necessarily experience the kind of joy and peace that gratitude can bring us. In this uplifting book, Giving Thanks – Why It Makes You Happy, Fills You with Peace and Changes Your Life! , you will discover the untold power of gratitude in every area of your life. You will be inspired to receive and enjoy the good things in life that are available to you every day. Your life and the way you live it will never be the same once you discover the miraculous power of gratitude!

Click here to look inside

365 Motivation Starters for a New Day

We can begin each new day with motivation and anticipation of good things to come. No matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. And with it, we are given a new opportunity to enjoy life, to love and laugh, to learn and grow, to win and conquer, to prosper and live fully.

Whether or not we realize it, we begin each new day wanting it to be good and purposeful. No one wakes us saying, “I want to be aimless and unmotivated today.” However, we hold a responsibility to encourage and motivate ourselves. And that is the goal of the simple truths in 365 Motivation Starters for a New Day. They are simple every day reminders intended to motivate and help you to:

· Think about your endless opportunities to live a fulfilling life
· Get motivated to take some action
· Focus on what matters most to you
· Consider your priorities and decisions
· Improve your relationships
· Grow, learn, and make positive changes in your life
· Fill your mind with positive, empowering thoughts

You can live with motivation, purpose and joy each new day of the year. May the following pages remind you that you have the power within you to choose your attitude every day, to motivate and encourage yourself, and to live a truly fulfilling and successful life!

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