How the Power to Forgive Frees Us to Love

One of the greatest challenges in loving others is to forgive them when they have wronged us and caused us pain. Every time we are wronged, we have to choose how we are going to deal with the hurt. Ultimately, we have to decide if we will forgive the person or persons who have wronged us, or if we will hold on to the hurt. If we hold on to the hurt, it will keep us from loving them. It will keep us angry and upset.  We will not be open the release the hurt.  Instead, it will continue to fester and grow. Unresolved hurts that are not forgiven continue to cause pain. We don’t want the one who wronged us to get away with it. We want them to be punished and our anger toward them is oftentimes the only way we know how to make what is wrong seem right or fair. The problem is, it rarely makes things better. It only deepens our hurt and frustration and eventually turns to bitterness.

Forgiveness sets us free to love again. When we decide to forgive, we let go of the attitude that “You owe me.” Our anger fades. Bitterness doesn’t have the opportunity to take root. We do not use what happened against anyone. Resentment gives way to acceptance of another’s flaws. We no longer feel a need to retaliate.

When we forgive, we do not always have to understand why we were wronged. Nor do we have to wait for an apology in order to forgive. Forgiveness does not justify or make the other person right. What it does is make us free. Forgiveness frees us to say, “I will not use this against you or keep a record of how you have wronged me. I will release you of any punishment I think is due. I will no longer hold on to anger and resentment toward you. I will release it from my heart. I will make allowances for your flaws and give you grace. I will forgive you unconditionally.”

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful demonstrations of genuine love. It has the power to mend broken hearts and set captives free. It has the power to bring healing and restoration to relationships. It is the ultimate expression of grace. It is something we grant others even when they do not deserve it, knowing that we ourselves have been recipients of forgiveness countless times. As long as we are imperfect, we will be in need of forgiveness.

REFLECTION:

Why is forgiveness important to our life and relationships?

What do I do with the hurt when someone wrongs me? Do I retaliate? Nurse the hurt? Release it? Work through it?

How often do I bring up past issues that were never resolved?

What makes forgiving someone who wronged me most difficult?

Did I ever want to be forgiven for something I said or did, and I wasn’t forgiven? How did it affect me?

Do I expect others to forgive me when I hurt them? Why or why not?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

Unforgiveness keeps us imprisoned in pain and hurt.

I can give up resentment and be free.

I choose to release the hurt I have been holding on to.

I choose to forgive myself for making poor choices and hurting others.

I choose to accept myself and others, knowing that we all have flaws, make poor decisions sometimes and hurt one another.

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.  ~Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. ~Isaac Friedmann

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~Harriet Nelson

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Love cures. It cures those who have it and it cures those who receive it. ~Karl Menninger


Click here for Free Printable Worksheet.

Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 10 (Love is Forgiving) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com

Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling, child counseling and teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


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Anger - A Powerful Force We Can Direct & Control

All sorts of things can trigger irritability in people, from minor traffic jams to major headaches. Everyone gets upset or annoyed sometimes. We all have lost our temper and reacted without thinking. We have succumbed to anger that drives us to say and do things we normally wouldn’t. And it is when we lose control over our thoughts and feelings, that our irritability and anger can do some major damage to our relationships and lives.

For the most part, irritability is likely to occur when we feel under pressure. Therefore, one of the best tests for measuring our irritability is to observe how we behave when having to manage stressful circumstances or people. If we can remain graceful toward others when under pressure, then we are probably exercising self-control. Our temper is well-managed and good. We are not allowing agitation to anger us or disrupt our relationships. If, on the other hand, pressure and stress bring out the worst in us, then we probably need to work on our self-control and temper.

When irritable, we are very likely to become easily angered at others, sometimes at the slightest provocation. We might even become hostile and behave in ways we will later regret. Gaining control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions when irritated and angry is the best way to keep from acting out in unloving ways.

Self-control communicates love. It can be seen whenever we:

* Take responsibility for our reactions
* Do not accuse or blame others for the way we feel
* Treat others graciously although they irritate us
* Keep from saying something hurtful and unnecessary
* Do not take our anger out on those around us
* Think things through before we react
* Allow ourselves a time-out to gather ourselves together
* Do not expect more from others than we should

The disposition of love is self-control and a good temper. Having self-control and a good temper is easier said than done, especially for those individuals who are more prone to irritability for various reasons. Even so, we can all learn to gain greater control over our tempers and how we react under pressure. Irritations will never cease, nor does our love need to when they come.


REFLECTION:

What makes me most irritable?

What do I do when I am under more pressure than I feel I can handle?

How do I treat others when I am irritated?

Do I have to have the last word? Explain.

On a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being severe and 0 being nonexistent, how would I rate my temper?

How would those closest to me rate my temper?

Review the list of how self-control communicates love. Which one(s) do I do often? Which one(s) do I need more work on?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

We may not be able to control stressors and pressures in our lives, but how we respond to them is up to us. 

I can accept responsibility for my temper and exercise self-control.

When anger arises, think of the consequences. ~Confucious

An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes. ~Cato

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses. ~William Arthur Ward

Take note! Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset, or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back. ~unknown

Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world. ~William Shenstone

When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger. ~Epictetus



Click here for: Free Printable Worksheet

Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 9 (Love is Not Easily Angered) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com


Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling, child counseling and teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


<< Back to Be Your Best New Day Counseling Center home

Self-Centered & Demanding - When It's All About "Me"

To be demanding isn’t all bad, but there are many ways in which it can be unloving. It is one thing to be persistent in asking or requiring something, but excessively demanding one’s own way regardless of others’ rights or how they are treated indicates self-centeredness. Overly demanding people are not concerned with what others want because they are mostly concerned with themselves. And they can be very insensitive and uncaring when it comes to getting what they want. Demanding people are often forceful in trying to get their way. They might use manipulation, threats, or any other means to get what they want.

There is a controlling aspect in being overly demanding that actually leads to a lack of control. So the less control a demanding person feels in a situation or over someone, the more demanding they may become. Most people do not like to feel controlled or dominated. There is an old saying, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Love requires that we give people freedom to be themselves, without any restrictions imposed upon them to meet our demands in our way.

Demanding people feel entitled to what they believe are their rights. They have certain expectations of people, and they disregard their boundaries if they are in their way. They have a difficult time taking “no” for an answer because the goal is to get what they want. As you can imagine, most people are not comfortable being around a person who is overly demanding. Their selfishness communicates a total disregard for the needs and desires of others. It is the opposite of love which is selfless and giving.

To be truly selfless is to enjoy giving others first place. Rather than demanding our own way, we can demonstrate love for others by considering their needs important and putting them above your own if possible. To be selfless is to put ours wants and desires aside sometimes and help others get ahead. It is to find true contentment and joy in considering what is in the best interest of someone else other than just ourselves. It is to seek their good. Selflessness also doesn’t impose its own expectations and desires on someone else. It allows people the freedom to make their own choices. Selflessness respects others’ decisions and loves them regardless of whether or not we agree. When selfless, we treat people properly and respect their boundaries. Selflessness is the essence of love. We cannot have love without selflessness.

REFLECTION

What comes to mind when you think of someone who is overly demanding?

What do you do to get your way?

Has anyone ever described you as controlling or bossy? Explain.

Do you respect others’ boundaries? Explain.

How do you react when someone crosses your boundaries?

What does it mean to be “selfless”?

In what ways are you selfless?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

The need to have our own way leads us to disregard the needs of others.

I can be open-minded and respectful of the needs of others.

I choose to be selfless and think of others' needs before my own today.

Love is selfless, yet it invigorates the self.  ~Sue Atchley Ebaugh

Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment. ~Anthony Robbins

Real love is when you become selfless and you are more concerned about your mate's or children's egos than your own. You're now a giver instead of a taker. ~Sylvester Stallone


Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 8 (Love is Not Demanding) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com


Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved. New Day Counseling Center


 
CLICK HERE for: Free Printable Worksheet


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


<< Back to Be Your Best New Day Counseling Center home