A Vacation Every Couple Needs & 4 Warning Signs of Couple Trouble

 He who returns from a journey is not the same as he who left.  ~Chinese Proverb

When was the last time you took a vacation? A family vacation is one thing, but I am talking about a couples vacation—just you and your spouse. Are you about due yet? If you want to do more than just get away, read on. Vacations can help to refresh and revive relationships. It is like breathing fresh air into them, reenergizing them with greater intimacy and deeper love.

By definition, vacation is time devoted to rest and relaxation as from work or study. So if you are wondering if it is something you can afford, think of it this way. It is something you cannot afford to go without. Without devoted time for rest and relaxation, we get burned out on our jobs, and lose our effectiveness and interest. How about our marriages? They suffer also. Couples grow apart, experience less satisfaction, and are more irritable with each other.

So how can couples keep their relationships healthy and strong? By devoting quality time to them, that is, time away from all that keeps them busy and distracted. Studies show that couples who schedule periodic dates and spend more time together are more satisfied with their marriages than those who don’t. How often do you devote time to be alone together? Whether it’s a date or vacation, spending time together is an investment with great returns.

With no interference from work or home, periodic getaways with our spouses allow us to focus on each other, share memorable life experiences together, and simply have fun. Did you ever experience something enjoyable and wish your partner had been there to share it with you? Well, getaways provide opportunities to create cherished and lifelong memories. Vacations with your partner are about being together in body, soul, and spirit. They are times that bring great fulfillment and wholeness to the relationship. And they are times couples need for their relationships to thrive.

Before you go on vacation you don't want to have any grudges, resentment, or unforgiveness toward one another. It is healthy to release any negative baggage and work through unresolved issues before you go. Otherwise, there is a very good chance they will come up directly or indirectly in a bad attitude, sarcasm, or distancing. The focus ought to be on the strengths of the relationship. You can both make a commitment to overlook minor annoyances and notice the good not the bad. If you are unable to so, then I recommend counseling before you go on a vacation and maybe start with dating first.

Getaways don’t have to be expensive. The real goal is to enjoy being together, to value that time, and to grow and appreciate the beauty of life and gift of love. When planning your special times together, be sure to consider fun things you both like to do, something new you can experience, and romantic and playful ways to enjoy one another. Turn off the cell phones, forget about work, leave your cares behind, and devote quality time to the love of your life. Enjoy each other!


4 Warning Signs of a Neglected Marriage:

1. Priorities out of order. If you devote most of your extra time and attention to anything above God and your spouse, your relationships will suffer. We see this with workaholics. Whether their work is their passion or an escape, it becomes their top priority at all costs. Their spouses and children feel the affects and it damages the most precious gift they are blessed with: family. Anything that comes first in a person’s life can get out of balance and become an idol. It can be an addiction such as pornography or drugs. It can be can an interest or hobby such as sports or entertainment. If a relationship is a top priority, more quality time and attention will be devoted to it. What are your top 5 priorities? Do your actions and devotions support your answer? Where does your spouse place on your list? Would he or she agree?


2. Divided attention. Too often we can be in someone’s company and find that they aren’t fully present. Physically they are, but their thoughts and occupations are elsewhere. They are answering text messages and cell calls. They are distracted by competing cries for their attention. Focus is lost and shifted to other things, and it leaves others feeling less important, alone, or in the way. Divided attention doesn’t have to become an ongoing problem with couples. Appropriate limits and boundaries can be set. Have you been guilty of allowing distractions to draw you away from your partner? If they have been excessive, what can you do limit them? Ask your partner how he or she feels about it and what would be an acceptable solution.


3. Missing Quality Time. When couples don’t spend enough quality time together, they begin to get bored in the relationship. A lack of fun and sharing can lead them to think there is something wrong with their marriage. This leads to confusion about their feelings. Some wonder if they fell out of love, when in fact they haven’t been investing time with each other and fanning the flame to keep their passion and love for each other fully alive. Investing in a relationship takes time and work. Relationships that are neglected grow weak and routine. How satisfied are you with your marriage? How much quality time do you spend with your partner? What enjoyable things do you together for excitement?


4. Over-Stressed. With many responsibilities at work, home, and school in this face-paced society, it is no wonder that many are stressed. Without enough time for rest and relaxation, stress can lead to burnout and irritability as well as relationship and health problems. Reducing stress not only improves ones outlook and energy, it improves relationships. A calm and peaceful state of being brings out the best in us. We are more patient, kind, and content. Is stress weighing on your marriage? What, if anything, are you doing to manage stress?


So, how can getaways help in the 4 key areas we addressed above? First, we decide that time devoted to spend with our spouse is a top priority. Second, we leave all distracting devices and attention seekers behind. Third, we decide to enjoy and appreciate each other’s company by sharing and doing things we enjoy together. Fourth, we release stress and allow peace to fill us and restore us.


A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  ~John Gottman

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. ~Ruth Bell Graham





Copyright © 2009 NewDayCounseling.org, written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC




Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling Services, a family couples counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.


New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.



Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.


Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.




Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.




<< Back to Be Your Best Home

Are You Master or Victim of Your Attitude?

We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes. It is a matter of personal choice. Who we are today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow, we will become what we choose today. To change means to choose to change. ~John Maxwell



What kind of thoughts come to your mind when you think about your life? How about your family, your work, your future? Suppose your thoughts could change your destiny. Would you want to change or improve any of them?

We might believe our thoughts just happen, and we don’t consider the fact that we can choose to stop certain thoughts and refocus. We can choose what we accept and meditate on, and we can choose what we resist and reject. Our thoughts shape the attitudes that direct our lives. We make decisions based on our attitudes and beliefs.

Thoughts lead to other related thoughts. When they are hopeful and positive, we develop a good attitude. Likewise, a bad attitude results when a habit of negative thoughts dominate our thinking. For example, suppose you feel hurt that your friend didn’t come to your birthday party. You might begin to think that it is because it isn't important to her. That thought may lead you to wonder if she really likes you. Maybe you did something to offend her. Maybe there is something wrong with you. You feel angry and rejected. You dwell on the offense and have a bad attitude. If you hold on to it, feelings of rejection may lead to bitterness toward your friend. It may even lead to a desire for retaliation. It is common to reject others when we feel rejected.

Hurt and angry feelings affect our choices and attitudes. We might not be able to control how we feel, but we can control how we direct our thoughts. Suppose you were to stop the negative cycle after feeling hurt by your friend. There could be many good reasons why she wasn't able to join you. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. You can choose to not take it personal if you know she wouldn't intentionally want to hurt you. You can choose to not dwell on the offense and negative feelings. You can refocus. If it really bothers you, talk to her about it. In doing so, you just may find out that you had the wrong idea all along. This happened to a woman I know. She never received the invitation sent by her friend. It was somehow lost in the mail. Her friend assumed she got the invitation and chose not to come. It was months until she discovered why her friend had a bad attitude and pulled away from her.

Our thinking patterns become habits and attitudes. Optimism and pessimism are the result of the kinds of thoughts we choose to dominate our thought life and perspective. If we were to live by these words of wisdom, we would spare ourselves of the negativity that keeps us from fulfilling our potential and purpose: Fill your mind and meditate on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (Philippians 4:8).

We can choose to occupy our minds with the best in people or situations, rather than the worst. We can choose to see the beauty and splendor of every rose rather than its thorns and ugliness. We can notice and praise what is right and good rather than dwell on mistakes or problems. We can hold on to hope rather than submit to despair. We can appreciate and embrace what we have and all that is before us rather than live in regret of the past. We can choose to live today as best as we can because that is all we have right now.


Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. ~~ William James

It’s your choice: you can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments. ~Jim Gallery

We shouldn’t deny the pain of what happens in our lives. But, we should refuse to focus only on the valleys. ~Charles Swindoll

Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. ~Max Lucado




Copyright © 2008, 2010 Krystal Kuehn, New Day Counseling MI. All Rights Reserved.




Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Family Counseling Services, a family couples counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.



New Day Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.



Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.

Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.


Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)

Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.






<< Back to Be Your Best Home

How to Make Friends a Healthy Part of Your Couples Relationship

All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Before you got into a couples relationship, you had your own friends to hang out with and have fun. You never had to worry about a partner who did not like your friends or did not want to hang out with them. You never had to concern yourself with problems that could arise if you simply wanted to spend some time with your friends rather than your partner. But once you left the singles scene and became a couple, some things regarding friendships began to change.


Following are some common challenges that couples face regarding friendships.

(1) Finding couples friends that both you and your partner enjoy spending time with.


One of you might like spending time with another couple while the other does not. So what do you do? There are a couple of factors to consider when looking for other couples to hang out with:

How time is spent together

When couples share common interests, they are more likely to enjoy the company of other couples with the same interests. For example, if both couples like to do certain things like go to sporting events, (or concerts, comedy club, the theatre, bowling, golfing, or playing cards, watching movies, or just hanging out and talking), they will all enjoy the activity and are more likely to actively engage and work together. We have all participated in things we really enjoy and find that even if we have an issue with someone or something, we can still enjoy ourselves. Personally, I experienced this when working in an orchestra. Once we got into playing the music, our differences subsided for the time being and we all had a great time. On the other hand, if one or more individuals really lack interest in the activities, there is a good chance they will not enjoy spending time together. It might be the activity more than the couple that they do not appreciate and enjoy. Finding things both couples like to do can make a big difference.

Personalities, Compatibility, and Connections

Another important factor that affects enjoying time spent with couple friends is the connection they all have. Do they genuinely like and respect one another? Are they comfortable and feel safe to open up? We connect with others when we find commonalities on which we can bond, such as hobbies, political or religious views, interests, problems, or life experiences. There are so many different levels on which we can connect. Once we do, real friendships can develop and we begin to enjoy time spent together in laughter, sharing, learning, and appreciating life together. Oftentimes, the most rewarding couple friendships develop between couples involved in common goals and interests. That is why it is important that each couple develop goals together first, then they can share them with other couples.

(2) Avoiding conflicts when one of you does not want to hang out with the other’s friends

Couple relationships require a great deal of sharing, giving, and compromise if they are going to be happy and healthy. Doing something the other person wants to do when we do not want to can be handled in several ways. First, you have the choice to do it anyway. That can be a sacrifice on your part, but you do it for your partner. Secondly, you can decide to work out a compromise. You need to discuss this and both feel good and right about it. If one partner feels taken advantage of, it can turn into resentment and bitterness that will eventually come out and affect the relationship. So, you may agree to hang out with his friends today and he will go shopping with you all day tomorrow. Do whatever works as long as you both have a good attitude. It is about give and take. The better we get at it, as it applies to our relationships, the better we can avoid conflicts and find lasting satisfaction in our relationships.


(3) Allowing each other time apart and freedom to choose how and with whom it is spent


Couples ought to have an agreed upon together or "we time" and agreed upon time apart or "me time." Me time should be used any way the person chooses, whether alone or with friends. If one partner does not have their own friends, they can use this time to visit their relatives or simply do something on their own. Whatever they choose to do, the other person’s time apart ought to be respected. It is a good idea to discuss and agree that time alone and time apart from each other will be honored and respected without resentment. The important thing is that couples are satisfied with their time together. A satisfying relationship built on trust creates security. Couples ought to be secure enough in their relationship to let their partners go when separate time is needed. Relationships require a certain amount of freedom. There is an old adage that says, "When you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it does not, it never was." It is not in the best interest of a relationship to make the partner with friends feel guilty or to impose upon his or her "me time." If the issue has to do with the type of friends he or she is spending time with, this needs to be addressed. If it is his own insecurities or boredom, he ought to develop some new interests apart from the relationship or talk to a counselor who can help him work through some possible insecurities, fears, or boundary issues. Couples can also benefit from couples counseling as they establish healthy boundaries and build new friendships.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elizabeth Foley

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. ~Abraham Lincoln

A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around. ~John Lubcock


Copyright 2009 All Rights Reserved. Written by Krystal Kuehn. NewDayCounseling.org



Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling Services, a family couples counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.




New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.

Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.

Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.




<< Back to Be Your Best Home

Making Peace with Your Past

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise. ~Alden Nowlan

Are regrets, bad memories, or losses keeping you from enjoying each new day? Is the past keeping you from moving into the future with hope and anticipation?

I recently heard a man say that it was not until he made peace with his past that he truly began to live. It changed his life so drastically that everyone noticed there was something different about him. It was not until 20 years after losing his father that he began to grieve the loss for the first time. He finally allowed himself to face his past with all the anger and pain. There was so much that he missed out on. There were lost opportunities and things that would never be, so many regrets, poor choices, and bad experiences that would affect the rest of his life.

This man went through a process of acceptance and forgiveness. He felt the pain. He felt the anger. He mourned what was and could have been. And then, he released it. He made peace with his past, and he was ready to move on with his life. Suddenly, new opportunities before him became exciting. He began to fully appreciate what he had, the people in his life, and what he had become. He began to hope for a better and brighter future. He was ready to give more of himself to others. And he began to enjoy his life more and more.

For the first time since he could remember, he felt free—free of burdens from the past, free of unresolved pain, free of bitterness and self-pity. He was free indeed! He was free to enjoy his life, his family, and all that he had like never before. The past would no longer steal his joy and hope. It could not hold him back, and it was not going to keep him down any longer.

Is your past keeping you from fully enjoying your life? Sometimes we do not stop and think about it. Just like the man described above, we might have regrets, unresolved pain, sorrow, anger, or unforgiveness. These things keep us bound to the past. The past does not have to negatively influence our future. We can release it as we face it, deal with the emotions, come to accept what was and now is, and forgive our past.

Making peace with our past will lead us to experience healing, wholeness, and freedom to live our life with true joy. Every day is a new day to appreciate and enjoy. We do not have to allow our past to keep us from being truly happy today. Choose to be free and take the necessary steps to be free now. (We might want to have a professional counselor help us go through this process.)

Following are questions to reflect on and steps to take in making peace with our past:

1. Face your past. What are your regrets? What caused or still causes you pain? What are your losses? Have you grieved them?

2. Face your feelings. Does your past make you angry, sad, feel bad about yourself, bitter, damaged, cheated?

3. Forgive your past. Do you have any bitterness, hatred, or unforgiveness towards anyone (including yourself)? Why are you holding on to it? What would it take for you to release it and free yourself from its control in your life?

4. Accept your past. When we cannot change something, the healthiest thing we can do is accept it. Can you accept your past? What have you learned from it? How can it change you for the better?

5. Make peace with your past and be free. When your past no longer controls your life—your peace, your hope, attitude, relationships, ability to love others, give and share of yourself, dream, believe, and trust once again, then you are free!

It is my hope that this has helped you in making peace with your past, and in looking forward to better days ahead!


Krystal


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.



Copyright © 2007 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved
Making Peace with Your Past written by Krystal Kuehn,




Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling Services, a family and couples counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.




New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.



Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.

Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.

Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.





<< Back to Be Your Best Home

4 Key Steps to Discussing Schoolwork & Building True Winners

You're on your way home from work. You're anxious for some encouraging talk and a little relaxation after a hard day. You need all the support you can get to recharge your batteries and feel strong enough to go back tomorrow and face another working day.

You are greeted with, "Hi, Honey. How was it today? Where are your papers? I want to see how you did all day." "It was OK," you reply. "I really don't want to talk about it. I'm really beat." "Well, no wonder you don't want to talk about it. Look at these papers. You can do a lot better than this. Where was your mind today? You sit down right now and we'll go over these proposals you wrote and get the spelling straightened out. And look at these paragraphs. You'll never get promoted at this rate. I don't understand this. You have so much more potential than this."

How long would it be before you find a more comfortable place to go after work? "Who needs this?" you'll say."I can find someone who can show me a little more appreciation for my hard work!"

Many school–age children face this same situation daily. They are greeted after school with, "What did you learn today?" and "Where is your homework? You get on it right now!"

Children are also requested to bring home their papers so that the mistakes can be corrected. Even though this is done with love and caring, it trains them to focus on their weaknesses.

The problem faced by students is that they can't choose to go somewhere else after school. They can't avoid facing a replay of their daily failures. They must return home and listen to whatever their parents have to say. It is very difficult for a child to say,"Mother! Do you realize you are training me to keep my school progress a secret from you?" Soon they quit bringing home papers. They make excuses and blame it on their teachers. "She never gives me my papers to bring home."

The next step is for the parent to go to school demanding that the teacher develop some sort of foolproof reporting method. Teachers are actually faced with writing daily and weekly reports for parents. This never provides a long-term solution because it addresses the wrong problem. It also robs teachers of valuable teaching and preparation time.

The real problem is that the child has learned that it is unsafe to discuss school with his or her parents. Rather than developing a reporting plan, it is much wiser to work on the real problem–helping children and parents learn to talk to each other in safe and supportive ways. This solution works, and it lasts a lifetime.

You can teach your child to discuss school with you. While you are doing this, you can also lay the foundation blocks that will build a true winner out of your youngster.


STEP ONE: Sit down with your children two to three times per week. Have them point out the best things they did on their papers.

STEP TWO: Make sure your child describes to you the reasons for his or her success. As they put these into words, the reasons for the success will be imprinted on their brain, never to be erased. They will start to believe they are in control of their success.

STEP THREE: Work with your children on their mistakes only when they ask for your help. Let the school work on deficiencies. Teachers have training to help with the deficiencies in effective ways.

STEP FOUR: Be patient. This is a real change in operation. It will take the child a period of time to believe that this is not just a new phase his parents are going through. Look for the real benefits to show up in several months or maybe during the next few years, depending upon the child's past history.

Winners always think about how they are going to succeed. Losers always think about their possible failures.


©1998 Jim Fay

Schoolwork written by Dr. Charles Fay. Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.



Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.





New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children counseling, teenage counseling, divorce counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.






Back to Be Your Best Home

If Kids Can Hear Promises, They Can Hear Requests

You can train your child to hear you the first time you say something. Or, you can train them to ignore you. Raising a child who listens to adults is a source of joy. Raising one who doesn't is a constant source of frustration and torment.

Our actions either train kids to listen or not to listen. Consider this situation I witnessed in an airport recently. Joshua, a five-year-old, was running out into the concourse

"Joshua. You stop that running!" called his mother. She did not follow through, so Joshua continued dashing in and out of a crowed of irritated travelers.

"Joshua. You get over here!" Once more, she barked an order, but did nothing to enforce it.

"Joshua! Get off of that!" Another order was shouted by mom and ignored by Joshua.

Suddenly, Joshua was right at my feet staring up at me.

Mother ordered again, "Joshua. You get away from that man. You come over here. Quit bothering people."

I looked down at Joshua and asked, "Joshua, what's your mom going to do if you don't do what she says?"

He knew the answer immediately, "Nothing."

Of course he was right. His mother had trained him to know that she would bark orders, but never enforce them. Why should he listen if he could do as he pleased - without adult interference - by not listening?

In fact, Joshua never had to walk back to his mother in the airport. She came over to him, held his hand, and apologized to me with, "I'm so sorry. You know how five-year-olds are. They won't listen to a thing you say."

It took a lot to keep me from saying, "I've known a lot of five-year-olds who listen to their parents. But their parents mean what they say."

Training kids to listen is not brain surgery. It's not complicated. Joshua's mom could retrain him to listen by first retraining herself to do the following:


1.Make a commitment she will never repeat herself.

Kids unconsciously learn how many times each parent will repeat a request before taking action. She can give Joshua the gift of knowing she will only say something once.


2.Be prepared to act.

She needs to be dedicated to making her child's life somewhat uncomfortable each time he fails to listen the first time she says something. This means as soon as he disobeys she goes to him, takes him back to his seat, and makes him stay with her saying, "How sad not to listen. Now you can stay with me."


3.She should never accept, "But I didn't hear you," as an excuse.

When confronted with this excuse, she should respond with, "How sad not to be listening. Maybe your ears will get better." It is important she says this without sarcasm and follows through with the consequences of not listening.


4.Be prepared for Joshua to have a fit about not getting his way.

Even though this will be uncomfortable, other adults around her will secretly applaud her courage and willingness to put forth the efforts to raise a well-behaved child.


5.Get ready to enjoy a more responsible and happier child.

I have worked with kids and families for 47 years. During that time I have never met a child who failed to hear a parent's promise. They always hear promises the first time. I've also learned their ears work the same way for requests when parents learn and follow the four steps I've outlined.



Training and expecting kids to listen is one of a parent's greatest gifts. It's the Love and Logic way.


©2001 Jim Fay
If Kids Can Hear Promises, They Can Hear Requests - Getting your child to listen to you is easier than it sounds written by Dr. Charles Fay.  Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.



Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.

New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children counseling, teen counseling, divorce counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.





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Anticipating a New Day, a Better Day

Finish each day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...

~Ralph Waldo Emerson



Some days are just difficult.  We run into problems that are not easily resolved or managed.  We make mistakes and wish we could start over.  We do our best and it does not seem to help very much.   

What else can we do? If there is one thing we can control it is our attitude and perspective.  We can choose to stay hopeful, do what we can to make things better, and accept what is out of our control.

Even at the end of a difficult day, it seems we can always find plenty to be thankful for. And we can choose to let go of the day's frustrations, forgive ourselves and others, and anticipate a new and better day tomorrow.   




New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.


Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classess or call 248-649-8050.


Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.




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Parent's Guide for Helping Children Succeed in School

1.Love and Logic parents remember that parents can't teach for teachers and teachers can't parent for parents. Remember that teachers and parents can't learn for kids no matter how much we love them.

2.Show the same amount of love for your children regardless of their success in school.

◦Show sadness rather than anger when they have trouble at school.

3.Expect your children to do their share of the chores at home.

4.Spend some time each day talking with excitement about your work and your day. They will want to imitate you and will soon begin to talk about school and their day.

5.Take turns reading to each other every day.

6.Have your children teach you something they have learned at school. Do this once per week.

7.Encourage your children to do things that "charge their batteries." Encourage them to try many different activities as a way of discovering interests and talents.

Remind them that they will build their careers around their talents, not around their weaknesses.

8.Provide a time and place for homework. Expect that they will study. Allow them to study either by writing the assignments or thinking hard about them for a reasonable amount of time.

◦If they decide to study by thinking instead of writing or reading, have them think of a plan for explaining it to the teacher.

◦Support the teacher to handle this:

1.Don't fight with children over the homework.

2.Don't fight with the teachers over the grade or consequence.

3.Tell your children that you will love them regardless of their grades or the number of years it takes to complete each grade.

9.Don't pay your children for good grades and don't punish for bad grades. Be excited about the good grades and sad for the children about their bad grades.

10.Have your children bring home papers.

◦Look at the right answers instead of the wrong ones.

◦Don't correct the wrong answers—leave this for the teacher.

◦Have your children explain the reasons for the answers being right. If they don't know, give them three choices:

1.You cheated?

2.You tried hard?

3.You are getting smarter in that subject?

11.Expect this Love and Logic program to take about one year before you see good results. Remember that children who have a hard time at school need to get away from it for a while each day. More homework and problems at home about school won't help.

◦Don't complain to teachers that they should give this child more homework.

◦Use this program instead and you will see amazing results in one year.

◦Fight with your children and their teachers about homework and the problem will still be there in years to come.

12. Love and Logic parents remember that highly successful people put most of their efforts into their talents and maintain minimal standards on everything else.

 

©1991 Jim Fay
The One Year Plan: Parent's Guide for Helping Children Succeed in School written by Jim Fay.

Love and Logic Institute, Golden, CO.





Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.




New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.






Back to Be Your Best Home

It's a New Day to Live as I Will

This is the beginning of a New Day.

God has given me this day to use as I will.

I can waste it or use it for good.

What I do today is important, because

I am exchanging a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes,

this day will be gone forever,

leaving in its place something

that I have traded for it.

I want it to be gain, not loss;

good not evil; success not failure;

in order that I shall not regret

the price I paid for it.

~unknown

New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseing, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register.  For more information, click here.

Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.

Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today.  Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business.  For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.








Back to Be Your Best Home

End Childhood Swearing - Stop Bad Language Without Lectures or Harsh Punishments

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, "Notice something you don't like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse." Childhood swearing is a good example.

Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats.

A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination.

"Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven't generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can't compete with this!"

Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn't work because the parent's attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid.

Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles:

1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word.

Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, "Is this the right place for that word? Thank you." Some effective parents say, "How sad. There's someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don't you go to your room and have a talk with that person."


2. Use the Love and Logic® "Energy Drain" technique.

"Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me." Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, "I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks."

This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, "Energy Drain," each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away.

One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realized her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, "Energy Drain." She was shocked.

This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, "Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?" "Maybe," he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, "Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I'll feel better after two more ice cream cones."

Using a few Love and Logic parenting techniques not only helps us raise better kids, but also trains our kids to be better parents when they grow up.


©2002 Jim Fay
End Childhood Swearing - Stop Bad Language Without Lectures or Harsh Punishments written by Dr. Charles Fay. Dr. Charles Fay is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, mental health professionals around the world and President of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, CO.


Love & Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Classes or call 248-649-8050.




New Day Family Marriage Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children counseling, teen counseling, divorce counseling, porn addiction, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.





Back to Be Your Best Home