Prevent Relationship Problems with Anger Management - Part 2

Feelings are not supposed to be logical.  Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. ~David Borentein

Of all the emotions we experience in our lives, anger seems to be one we all experience frequently in one way or another. When we think of an angry person we might picture someone getting loud or aggressive; or someone who is critical and mean. But anger is also expressed in other ways as in a person who is depressed and turns their anger inward. Or in a person who is afraid or frustrated or lonely.

Most often when we experience feelings of anger they alert us to an underlying emotion(s). That is, there is something behind our anger. For example, we might feel angry because we have been hurt by what someone said to us. So the underlying emotion here is hurt. Once we recognize this and deal with the hurt we will be able to release our anger. We might also feel angry because we feel frustrated that things did not go as planned. Realizing why we are angry and then dealing with the frustration will help us release the anger.

Sometimes when people are angry they don't realize that they are also experiencing other feelings as well. Identifying what other feelings besides anger they are experiencing is an important first step to learning what is really behind their anger. Then those feelings can be faced. Sometimes it is so much easier to feel angry than it is to face other feelings like shame or guilt or rejection. Those feelings can be unpleasant and uncomfortable and that is why so many people run from their feelings or try to bury them. Drug and alcohol abuse, gambling, promiscuity, workaholism, gossip, etc., are all evidence of this.

So how can we face what is behind our anger and release it? It all depends. We might need to accept certain people or things in our lives. We might need to forgive someone. We might need to work on our self-esteem. We might need to make changes and take action. We might need to learn how to manage our emotions. Acceptance, forgiveness, and taking responsibility will help us to let go of anger that weighs down our hearts. Anger that is unresolved and not motivated to positive action keeps us from having peace and a calm, untroubled mind.

Anger is not all bad. It is a God-given emotion that helps us to experience life in all its fullness. It is what we do with our anger that matters. We can learn to manage and control our anger before it becomes destructive. If necessary, we can get professional help to deal with it. Anger management classes and/or individual anger counseling can be extremely supportive and helpful in equipping us with many tools for a better life. We do not have to feel ashamed or guilty for feeling the way we do. Each one of us experiences anger from time to time. Anger has no control over us when we choose to release it. We can manage our anger, let go of toxic emotions, and experience freedom.


Nothing is worth losing your inner peace.  Take action as circumstances require, but never surrender your inner peace.  Stop. Breathe deeply. Close your eyes and breathe deeply again.  Then, and only then, take action – from a peaceful heart.  ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves. ~unknown

Be at peace with yourself first and then you will be able to bring peace to others. ~Thomas A. Kempis


C2007 Krystal Kuehn, NewDayCounseling.org
Prevent Relationship Problems with Anger Management Part 2
Releasing Anger, Finding Freedom


New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, children therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseling, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.


Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.


Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.









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Prevent Relationship Problems with Anger Management

When you strike out in anger, you might miss the other person, but you will always hit yourself. ~Jim Gallery

Striking out with angry words is the cause of so many relationship problems. Words are powerful. They can encourage, strengthen, and change destinies. They can also destroy potential and robs us of hope and peace. Most major fires begin with just a small flame. Before long the fire spreads and becomes more and more difficult to contain. It damages or completely destroys everything in its path. Do we realize how quickly unmanaged anger can do significant damage? And as the quote above humorously expresses, anger always hurts the angry person. Sometimes even more so than those to whom it is directed. That is because we cannot have both peace and bitterness in our hearts. An angry person loses his or her peace and joy. Anger obstructs the expression of love, and without love there is no true happiness.

We all get angry. It is inevitable. But, not all anger is bad. We have heard stories of people who have made major contributions to society, fought against injustices, and made positive life changes as they were motivated by righteous anger. Problematic anger, on the other hand, is usually explosive, hidden, or denied. If not faced and dealt with, anger hinders our ability to have healthy and loving relationships.

So how do we deal with anger? We can begin by recognizing the underlying emotions that lead up to our negative reactions such as feelings of hurt, frustration, shame, rejection, fear, jealousy. The next time you feel angry, ask yourself What emotion is behind my anger? You may begin to see a pattern. For example, a woman gets angry every time her boyfriend is late for their meeting. She realizes that his tardiness makes her feel rejected and this leads to her angry outbursts. What is the underlying problem that needs to be addressed? Rejection. How about the boyfriend who expresses his anger by shutting down when his girlfriend tries to engage him in conversation? As he identifies the pattern, he realizes that he feels jealous every time she talks to other guys. He tries to hide his anger and does not express his feelings to her directly, so he pulls away instead.

Anger does not have to bring ruin to our lives and relationships. There are healthy and effective ways to manage it. I have briefly discussed the underlying emotions of anger and the importance of dealing with the causes. If you need more help in this area, I highly recommend participating in an anger management class or individual anger counseling. It can be extremely supportive and helpful in equipping you with many tools for a better life.

Above all else, may peace rule in our hearts, Krystal


Copyright © 2009 NewDayCounseling.org, Prevent Relationship Problems with Anger Management written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC


New Day Family Counseling provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, teenage counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseling, porn addiction counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call to register today.


Love and Logic Parenting Classes help you with the most important job there is! You can learn practical tools & techniques for effective discipline, better communication, appropriate boundaries, healthy decision-making, & respectful adult-child relationships. Workshops are available at New Day Counseling in Troy. For more information or to register online go to: Love and Logic Parenting Class or call 248-649-8050.



Self-Esteem Group for Teen Girls (ages 13-17)
Teen girls learn to feel empowered, gain self-awareness, develop positive coping, and improve daily problem-solving skills. Through G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations) counseling curriculum, group discussion, and fun activities, girls will learn more about themselves and be better equipped to handle Real Life Situations. Call 248-649-8050 today to register. For more information, click here.





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Self-Centered & Demanding - When It's All About "Me"

To be demanding isn’t all bad, but there are many ways in which it can be unloving. It is one thing to be persistent in asking or requiring something, but excessively demanding one’s own way regardless of others’ rights or how they are treated indicates self-centeredness. Overly demanding people are not concerned with what others want because they are mostly concerned with themselves. And they can be very insensitive and uncaring when it comes to getting what they want. Demanding people are often forceful in trying to get their way. They might use manipulation, threats, or any other means to get what they want.

There is a controlling aspect in being overly demanding that actually leads to a lack of control. So the less control a demanding person feels in a situation or over someone, the more demanding they may become. Most people do not like to feel controlled or dominated. There is an old saying, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Love requires that we give people freedom to be themselves, without any restrictions imposed upon them to meet our demands in our way.

Demanding people feel entitled to what they believe are their rights. They have certain expectations of people, and they disregard their boundaries if they are in their way. They have a difficult time taking “no” for an answer because the goal is to get what they want. As you can imagine, most people are not comfortable being around a person who is overly demanding. Their selfishness communicates a total disregard for the needs and desires of others. It is the opposite of love which is selfless and giving.

To be truly selfless is to enjoy giving others first place. Rather than demanding our own way, we can demonstrate love for others by considering their needs important and putting them above your own if possible. To be selfless is to put ours wants and desires aside sometimes and help others get ahead. It is to find true contentment and joy in considering what is in the best interest of someone else other than just ourselves. It is to seek their good. Selflessness also doesn’t impose its own expectations and desires on someone else. It allows people the freedom to make their own choices. Selflessness respects others’ decisions and loves them regardless of whether or not we agree. When selfless, we treat people properly and respect their boundaries. Selflessness is the essence of love. We cannot have love without selflessness.

REFLECTION

What comes to mind when you think of someone who is overly demanding?

What do you do to get your way?

Has anyone ever described you as controlling or bossy? Explain.

Do you respect others’ boundaries? Explain.

How do you react when someone crosses your boundaries?

What does it mean to be “selfless”?

In what ways are you selfless?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

The need to have our own way leads us to disregard the needs of others.

I can be open-minded and respectful of the needs of others.

I choose to be selfless and think of others' needs before my own today.

Love is selfless, yet it invigorates the self.  ~Sue Atchley Ebaugh

Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment. ~Anthony Robbins

Real love is when you become selfless and you are more concerned about your mate's or children's egos than your own. You're now a giver instead of a taker. ~Sylvester Stallone


Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 8 (Love is Not Demanding) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com


Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved. New Day Counseling Center


 
CLICK HERE for: Free Printable Worksheet


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


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Discover True Self-Confidence & Strength in Humility

A humble person is certainly a pleasant person to be around and that is because humble people are not self-centered or self-seeking. They are modest and not at all arrogant or boastful. They do not draw attention to themselves, but they are drawn to others. They do not need praise and approval to feel good about themselves. When they are overlooked, they are not driven by frustration to make themselves known. When their good intentions are ridiculed, they are able to keep from retaliating. They can humbly submit to one of less stature than themselves, if necessary, without rebellion or resentment.

Humility is love unseen.  It is love that is veiled and not directly recognized, yet humility is motivated by love.  A person who is genuinely humble doesn’t think they are better or more important than other people.  They have proper respect for everyone regardless of who they are or what they have done.  That doesn’t mean that they allow others to take advantage of them.  Nor does it mean that they lack confidence and fear asserting themselves.  Sometimes people confuse humility with weakness and blind compliance, or even assume that someone who degrades themselves is a humble person.  This is certainly not the case.  It takes great strength to live a life of humility. 

Humility communicates love.  Humble people are:

* Ready to admit when they are wrong
* Willing to say they are sorry
* Not afraid to ask for help when they need it
* Patient when misunderstood
* Not fearful of what others think about them
* Confident in who they are and don’t feel a need to prove themselves
* Teachable and willing to learn from their mistakes
* Not judgmental of others or backbiters
* Not easily offended



Most people find it difficult to humble themselves or even admit when they have been humbled. It can be extremely uncomfortable and it hurts our pride. It is so much easier to defend ourselves and blame others, and to exalt and try to prove ourselves. Humility is certainly a challenge to most people. It can be a real stumbling block in our love walk, or it can become a stepping stone to greater love if we will allow it to be.


REFLECTION:

Do I have pre-conceived notions of humility that are inaccurate (such as humility is weakness)?

What does it really mean to be humble?

Do I know anyone who communicates their love through humility? Give examples.

What do I find most challenging in expressing love through humility?

What attributes of humility do I most admire? Why?

Do I want to be a more humble person? What areas of my life need the most work?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

Nobody likes to be wrong because it forces us to face our inadequacies.

I can admit my mistakes and learn from them.


Love measures our stature: the more we love, the bigger we are. There is no smaller package in all the world than that of a man all wrapped up in himself. ~William Sloane Coffin Jr.


True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be. ~Ralph W. Sockman


Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. ~Proverbs 11:2

 
CLICK HERE for: Free Printable Worksheet



Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 7 (Love is Humble) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com

Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved. New Day Counseling Center


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!



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Envy & Jealousy - How They Rob Our Security & Contentment

Although similar in many ways, jealousy and envy are not the same. Deep insecurities often lie at the root of jealousy. When someone is jealous they are afraid of losing something. They try to guard and protect what they fear losing. In doing so, they may become very possessive, competitive, and resentful. For example, they might be jealous of someone they fear can steal their boyfriend’s heart away from them, someone who got the promotion they worked hard for, or the person who got the praise and adoration they felt they deserved.


Jealousy can be fear of losing any of the following:

* self-respect and respect of others

* love and affection

* a cherished relationship

* position or promotion

* a desired opportunity

* a valued material possession

* attention and admiration

* confidence and self-worth

Envy also includes feelings of resentment, but it is rooted in discontent rather than fear. Feelings of dissatisfaction can cause a person to become envious of those who have what they believe they need to satisfy or fulfill them. So they desire the possessions or qualities of another. It could be their appearance, popularity, job, home, reputation, lifestyle, health, experience, and so forth. Just as with jealousy, the envy they experience can cause them to become angry and bitter.

Jealousy can turn into envy and envy can turn into jealousy. Both can be experienced together, and both are potentially destructive. They can ruin relationships and aspirations and make you miserable. They can keep you from trusting others and feeling secure about yourself. They can prevent you from being happy for someone when they get ahead or succeed. Jealousy and envy are common experiences known to all people. Even the most loving people are jealous or envious sometimes. But they do not have to rob you of love in your life. Security can replace the fear that fuels jealousy, and contentment can replace the discontent that stirs envy.


REFLECTION:

* What am I most afraid of losing? How have I tried to guard it?

* In what area(s) of my life do I feel dissatisfied?

* What types of qualities in others do I wish I had?

* Recall a time when jealousy or envy has caused you to resent someone. How did you resolve your feelings?

* How do I feel when others succeed and get ahead?

* How has jealousy and envy kept me from loving others?

* When do I feel most content with my life?

* When do I feel most secure in myself?

 

EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS:        

Comparing ourselves with others often causes us to feel superior or inferior to them.

I can appreciate individual differences and be thankful for what I have and who I am.

I choose to face my fears and insecurities and release them.

I choose to be thankful and content with my blessings.

I choose to be content with who I am as I continually aim to be my best.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. ~William Penn

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

Jealousy injures us with the dagger of self-doubt. ~Terri Guillemets

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own. ~Harold Coffin

Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has. ~Elizabeth O'Connor

CLICK HERE for: Free Printable Worksheet

 

Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 6 (Love is Not Jealous or Envious) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com

Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved. New Day Counseling Center


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!



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