What is Your Love Language? Part 1 of 5

Does your partner feel loved by you?  Do your children believe you love them?  How about you, do you feel loved?  If you are not speaking the same language with your partner, children, or others, then sincere feelings and true love can be easily missed!  That is because love and affection can be demonstrated in many different ways.  To some, words that affirm feelings and beliefs most strongly convey love. To others, physical symbols such as gifts speak loudest. 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 fundamental languages of love (Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch and Gifts).  We all have a primary love language--one that makes us feel loved more than any other. 

Following is Part One of the 5 love languages.  Which language speaks to your heart the most?  How about your partner, children, friends?  We often communicate our own primary love language to others and hope they will understand the love and affection we are trying to communicate.  For example, if my love language is words of affirmation and yours is quality time, you might not feel loved no matter what words I say to you if you do not feel I am spending enough time with you. 

Even if we are communicating our love and affection with all our heart,  and it is not in the language that our partner can understand, he or she may not feel loved.  If we will learn to speak one another's love language in the way that we can understand, we will experience the love we need from one another. 

Love Language 1:  ACTS OF SERVICE

This love language is about doing something that your partner would like you to do. 

Examples include: fixing the computer, washing dishes, ironing clothes, taking the dog for a walk, cooking, washing the car,  picking something up at the store

For information about Dr. Chapman's book: The 5 Love Languages, click here.

Well done is better than well said.  ~ Benjamin Franklin

Imperfect Action is better than no action. ~Giovanna Garcia

You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action.  - Anthony Robbins

    

International Best Seller: The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships provides essential tools to help you understand relationships and how to make them more fulfilling, harmonious and successful. You will be taken on a personal journey to discover how you communicate the 10 key attributes of love as you relate to others. You will be empowered with tools to replace unhealthy patterns with new, healthy and effective ways to communicate, connect and love others. And you will discover how to communicate and experience genuine love and true happiness in ways that will change you, your relationships and your life forever!

Click here to look inside the book.


New Day Counseling is a family couples counseling center that provides professional counseling services for the entire family. We help parents, children, teens, families, individuals and couples. We offer couples therapy / marriage counseling, child therapy, adolescent counseling, anxiety counseling, depression counseling, divorce counseling, grief counseling, porn addiction counseling, substance abuse counseling. We also offer groups for anger counseling. Go to NewDayCounseling.org today for more information or call us at 248-649-8050. We are here to help, and we look forward to hearing from you.


Put an end to anger problems & regain control over your life today. Anger management classes help for personal, court, and business. For more info go to newdaycounseling.org or call 248-649-8050 to register today. * Anger management classes and/or individual anger counseling can be extremely supportive and helpful in equipping us with many tools for a better life.

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The Power of Words

Whatever we have in our hearts will determine the words we speak. If we fill our minds with good and positive thoughts, we will have good and positive things to say. If our minds are filled with unpleasant and negative thoughts, it will be evident in the negative way we talk.

With our words we bless and with our words we curse. For example, when parents tell their children that they can fulfill their potential and accomplish great things, they encourage their children’s faith and build their confidence as these words are believed and acted upon. On the other hand, those who continually hear that there is something wrong with them, they are never good enough, or they will never amount to much begin to believe those words and live them out. Often the greatest factor that accounts for the differences in many of our lives is the words we hear and believe.

Words are powerful. What we say can influence people’s lives in many ways—their attitude, mood, choices, self-esteem, and so forth. It is up to us to guard our speech from negativity, criticism, and judgment and instead speak words that encourage, edify, comfort, and strengthen.

Affirmation:
Today I can choose to fill my heart with goodness and speak words that bring life to others.


Empowering Thoughts:
Perhaps you will never forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them for a lifetime. ~Dale Carnegie

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are endless. ~Mother Theresa

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. ~Proverbs 16:24

Watch your manner of speech if you want to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Words so innocent and powerless… when standing in a dictionary, how potent for good or evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne







Copyright © 2010 Krystal Kuehn, New Day Family & Couples Counseling Center. All Rights Reserved.



Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family marriage counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems & Words of Inspiration blog.


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Being True to Ourselves & Others

Can love be real without sincerity? Most would agree that sincerity is what makes love what it is. Genuine love is true. And it is true love that we all want. We want to know we are sincerely loved for who we are. We want to know that it is with sincere motives that those who love us say and do the things they say and do for us. We want to know a love that enables us to trust without fear of being unloved and rejected. We want a love that remains loyal and faithful to us no matter what happens. We want to be loved sincerely. And that is how others want to be loved by us as well.

Sincerity is most evident when we are honest and truthful with others. It requires us to be our true selves rather than manipulate others into believing we are someone we’re really not. No one likes to be lied to or deceived. Lies and deception destroy trust. Betrayal of trust is probably the worst relationship pain we can experience. Without trust, relationships do not have a strong and solid foundation upon which to be built. Without trust we may question and doubt that we are truly loved. It is only when there is trust that we feel safe enough to open up our hearts to others and grow more sincere in our love.

Sincerity communicates love. When we are sincere we:

* Can be counted on to be honest and trustworthy
* Remain faithful and keep our word—making only promises that we can keep
* Are dependable and consistent in our words and actions
* Mean what we say and do not mislead with lies
* Are motivated by love that is genuine
* Can be our real selves and not be phony
* Will not deceive others for our own selfish means
* Do not flatter others to get our way
* Do not take advantage of others’ ignorance or innocence
* Have integrity and exemplify good morals

Love that is sincere is the real thing. It remains faithful in the face of betrayal. It is trustworthy regardless of others’ dishonesty. Its motives are pure and not corrupted by self-centeredness. Sincerity is a profession of love that is true.


REFLECTION:

What does it mean to be loved sincerely or genuinely?

Do I believe I am sincerely loved? By whom? How do I know?

Can love be true without honesty? Why or why not?

What motivates me most to say and do the things I say and do for others?

In what ways am I not my true self and give a false impression of who I am?

Can others trust me to mean what I say when I compliment them or share my thoughts and feelings?

Think about people you would describe as sincere. Does their sincerity enable you to trust them more? Why or why not?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS:

A relationship built on anything but trust and sincerity is like a house built on shifting sand.

I can be true to myself and others.

I choose to keep my promises or not make them if I cannot keep them.

I choose to be real because people who really like me will like me for who I am.

I choose to faithful and not compromise my values.

I choose to be honest in my compliments and avoid flattery and insincerity.


Character is much easier kept than recovered. ~Thomas Paine

It's impossible to be who you're not, so why not just be who you are? ~unknown

This above all: to thine own self be true. ~Shakespeare, Hamlet

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland


It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings


The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.  ~Erich Fromm

 


Click here for Free Printable Worksheet.


Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 11 (Love is Sincere) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com



Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling, children counseling and teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


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Anger - A Powerful Force We Can Direct & Control

All sorts of things can trigger irritability in people, from minor traffic jams to major headaches. Everyone gets upset or annoyed sometimes. We all have lost our temper and reacted without thinking. We have succumbed to anger that drives us to say and do things we normally wouldn’t. And it is when we lose control over our thoughts and feelings, that our irritability and anger can do some major damage to our relationships and lives.

For the most part, irritability is likely to occur when we feel under pressure. Therefore, one of the best tests for measuring our irritability is to observe how we behave when having to manage stressful circumstances or people. If we can remain graceful toward others when under pressure, then we are probably exercising self-control. Our temper is well-managed and good. We are not allowing agitation to anger us or disrupt our relationships. If, on the other hand, pressure and stress bring out the worst in us, then we probably need to work on our self-control and temper.

When irritable, we are very likely to become easily angered at others, sometimes at the slightest provocation. We might even become hostile and behave in ways we will later regret. Gaining control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions when irritated and angry is the best way to keep from acting out in unloving ways.

Self-control communicates love. It can be seen whenever we:

* Take responsibility for our reactions
* Do not accuse or blame others for the way we feel
* Treat others graciously although they irritate us
* Keep from saying something hurtful and unnecessary
* Do not take our anger out on those around us
* Think things through before we react
* Allow ourselves a time-out to gather ourselves together
* Do not expect more from others than we should

The disposition of love is self-control and a good temper. Having self-control and a good temper is easier said than done, especially for those individuals who are more prone to irritability for various reasons. Even so, we can all learn to gain greater control over our tempers and how we react under pressure. Irritations will never cease, nor does our love need to when they come.


REFLECTION:

What makes me most irritable?

What do I do when I am under more pressure than I feel I can handle?

How do I treat others when I am irritated?

Do I have to have the last word? Explain.

On a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being severe and 0 being nonexistent, how would I rate my temper?

How would those closest to me rate my temper?

Review the list of how self-control communicates love. Which one(s) do I do often? Which one(s) do I need more work on?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

We may not be able to control stressors and pressures in our lives, but how we respond to them is up to us. 

I can accept responsibility for my temper and exercise self-control.

When anger arises, think of the consequences. ~Confucious

An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes. ~Cato

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses. ~William Arthur Ward

Take note! Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset, or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back. ~unknown

Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world. ~William Shenstone

When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger. ~Epictetus



Click here for: Free Printable Worksheet

Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 9 (Love is Not Easily Angered) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com


Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling, child counseling and teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


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Self-Centered & Demanding - When It's All About "Me"

To be demanding isn’t all bad, but there are many ways in which it can be unloving. It is one thing to be persistent in asking or requiring something, but excessively demanding one’s own way regardless of others’ rights or how they are treated indicates self-centeredness. Overly demanding people are not concerned with what others want because they are mostly concerned with themselves. And they can be very insensitive and uncaring when it comes to getting what they want. Demanding people are often forceful in trying to get their way. They might use manipulation, threats, or any other means to get what they want.

There is a controlling aspect in being overly demanding that actually leads to a lack of control. So the less control a demanding person feels in a situation or over someone, the more demanding they may become. Most people do not like to feel controlled or dominated. There is an old saying, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Love requires that we give people freedom to be themselves, without any restrictions imposed upon them to meet our demands in our way.

Demanding people feel entitled to what they believe are their rights. They have certain expectations of people, and they disregard their boundaries if they are in their way. They have a difficult time taking “no” for an answer because the goal is to get what they want. As you can imagine, most people are not comfortable being around a person who is overly demanding. Their selfishness communicates a total disregard for the needs and desires of others. It is the opposite of love which is selfless and giving.

To be truly selfless is to enjoy giving others first place. Rather than demanding our own way, we can demonstrate love for others by considering their needs important and putting them above your own if possible. To be selfless is to put ours wants and desires aside sometimes and help others get ahead. It is to find true contentment and joy in considering what is in the best interest of someone else other than just ourselves. It is to seek their good. Selflessness also doesn’t impose its own expectations and desires on someone else. It allows people the freedom to make their own choices. Selflessness respects others’ decisions and loves them regardless of whether or not we agree. When selfless, we treat people properly and respect their boundaries. Selflessness is the essence of love. We cannot have love without selflessness.

REFLECTION

What comes to mind when you think of someone who is overly demanding?

What do you do to get your way?

Has anyone ever described you as controlling or bossy? Explain.

Do you respect others’ boundaries? Explain.

How do you react when someone crosses your boundaries?

What does it mean to be “selfless”?

In what ways are you selfless?


EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS

The need to have our own way leads us to disregard the needs of others.

I can be open-minded and respectful of the needs of others.

I choose to be selfless and think of others' needs before my own today.

Love is selfless, yet it invigorates the self.  ~Sue Atchley Ebaugh

Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment. ~Anthony Robbins

Real love is when you become selfless and you are more concerned about your mate's or children's egos than your own. You're now a giver instead of a taker. ~Sylvester Stallone


Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 8 (Love is Not Demanding) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life.com


Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved. New Day Counseling Center


 
CLICK HERE for: Free Printable Worksheet


Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Check out Krystal's other blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog and Words of Inspiration blog!


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